1. Realize that your house is already spotless, because…hello! Swine flu! Clorox! Room gutting! Nothing left to do, except invite Martha Stewart over, ask her to put on a white glove, and see what she comes up with. At this point in the ball game, it’d be nothing. The house is clean. If she found anything, she’d be cheating and lying, using IMPORTED dust on the fingertips of her pearly white gloves. Remember that Martha Stewart would never cheat OR lie.
2. Come to the conclusion that the snowy weather and icy roads are more conducive to staying home than going out. Decide not to invite anyone over for coffee, because no one else would want to come out on a day like today, with the snow blowing sideways. Decide not to go out for coffee, either.
3. Look for laundry to do. Realize that it’s actually completely done for the first time in 14 years, because…hello! Swine flu! Home with the boy! Already had time to do the laundry. Realize that it’ll probably be another fourteen years before all the laundry is done at the same time again.
4. Remember that you’ve never liked daytime television. At all. Realize that it would take an act of Congress to get you to turn the TV on during the day, because talk shows bore the bejeebers out of you, and soap operas are intolerable. After all, your own life is close enough to a genuine soap opera; you don’t need to watch a made-up version of one.
5. Wander aimlessly around the house.
6. Wipe the kitchen counters down. Again. Because they didn’t really need wiped down in the first place.
7. Remember that the boy has a couple of iTunes gift cards in a kitchen cabinet. Rummage around until you find them, and then debate with yourself whether you want to steal the high-dollar card that Uncle Joel gave to the boy for his birthday, or the lesser dollar card that the cute neighbor boy gave to him for his birthday. Choose the smaller card. Raise your right hand there in the kitchen and promise to replace the iTunes gift card for the boy, as soon as the weather clears and you decide to go out into the world again.
8. Type in the gift card code, and realize that you have some buying power. Buying power, people! Do your mad scientist laugh. “Wha-ha-ha-ha!” Surf the songs on iTunes, and listen to everything. Every! Thing!
9. Find White Lion! White Lion, people! Use exclamation points, as you are reunited with White Lion!!!! Realize that you had no White Lion on your iPod! None at all! Fix that situation instantly. And the computer mouse says, “Click, click!” Done. White Lion songs purchased!
10. Sigh over Travis Cottrell. Add some of his stuff. Add SEVERAL “some of his stuff.”
11. Discover an old Bad English album on iTunes that you used to have on cassette. Remember that your old Bad English cassette was eaten in your old 1982 Honda Accord’s stereo. (Take a side trip and remember your old Honda Accord, which your daddy helped you buy. Not in 1982, because you couldn’t drive then. THANK GOODNESS! Feel some relief that you’re not THAT old. Begin to miss your old Honda Accord and the gas mileage that it used to get. Remember all the friends you hauled around in it. Remember shopping for it with your daddy. Remember how Hubs, when he was just Boyfriend, drove the old Honda Accord and had the audacity to tell you that shutting the air conditioner off when you drove up steep hills would make it go a wee bit faster. Remember how Hubs, who was just Boyfriend then, told you that his CAMARO, which was 14 years OLDER than your Accord, went faster on the hills than your poor car did. Remember how Hubs, who was just Boyfriend then, BRAGGED about how his Camaro could go faster than the space shuttle up the hills. Wonder to yourself if Hubs’ dear mama actually knew how fast he was driving that Camaro. Remember that you married Hubs, for better or worse. Laugh about the fact that he currently has no engine in that old Camaro right now! Hee hee. Use your mad scientist laugh, if you want to, since it’s just you home by yourself. “Wha-ha-ha-ha!”) Get back on track with iTunes. Buy almost (but not quite) the entire Bad English album. Just for old times sake.
12. Listen to some old Tone Loc songs on iTunes. Realize that you and your good friend, Theresa, can STILL sing all the words to “Wild Thing.” Feel some relief that your memory hasn’t failed you so badly that you can’t remember those words. Click on the “Buy Song” option. Chuckle to yourself and make a mental note to call Theresa and tell her about your new purchase. Tone Loc! He’s all but forgotten these days.
13. Find an old Scorpions song that Hubs used to like, back when he was just Boyfriend. Buy it, so that you can’t take all the blame for stealing the boy’s iTunes gift card. Your one and only baby’s BIRTHDAY PRESENT from the sweet neighbor boy. Make a mental note to tell Hubs that you bought him a song, thus incriminating him in the gift card felony. Remind yourself that you WILL replace the gift card for the boy, and that Hubs owes you 99-cents for the Scorpions song.
14. Find some Chris Tomlin songs. Download several. Afterall, Mr. Tomlin can sing his heart out to Jesus, and that’s a good thing. Wish that you could sing your own heart out for Jesus, in tune, because then maybe the Worship Arts pastor would let you and your friend, Peggy, be on the Praise Team at church. Realize that your spiritual gift simply wasn’t singing. At all. Be glad that Chris Tomlin can get the job done, since you and your friend, Peggy, cannot. Remember that in Heaven, you and Peggy will sound like angels when you sing. Make a mental note to laugh like a mad scientist over that one, when the time comes.
15. Realize that your music purchases have run from one end of the spectrum to the other. Shrug your shoulders. Tell yourself, “Don’t care.”
16. Realize that you are now bored with shopping on iTunes.
17. Buy the boy a pair of really sweet Abercrombie jeans online. Be thrilled that they were on sale. Try to justify it by saying, “He could use another pair of jeans for school! FOR SCHOOL! And these were so cheap! A genuine bargain!”
18. Realize that between bargain jeans for the boy and the iTunes gift card, you’ve burned up $42. Mentally calculate how many chai lattes that would have been at Starbucks.
19. Feel absolutely no buyer’s remorse, whatsoever.
20. Remove yourself from the evil presence that is the world of internet shopping when you’re home alone, and it’s snowing really hard, and you are bored.
21. Dust off your “13 Going on 30” DVD. Watch it on the big screen TV. Alone. In the recliner. Realize that you never, ever, not EVER, get to watch something alone on the big screen and in the recliner. Sigh at your good fortune. Cry during the movie, at the sappy part when Matty gives Jenna the cardboard house back. Use your sweatshirt sleeve to wipe your eyeballs dry.
22. Be ever-so-very-much thankful when it’s finally (FINALLY!) time to pick the boy up from school, so that you can have someone to talk to!
23. Talk the boy’s ear off. Ask him one hundred questions about school. Have him sit on your lap while he answers.
24. Realize that it has truly been an almost-perfect day, and that you can’t even remember the last time you had a day like this at home. Snowstorm and all.