Birthday Boy

Today is Hubs’ birthday.

Hubs didn’t get to sleep in on his birthday this morning, because the boy bounced into our bedroom when the morning hours were still dark, and he proclaimed, in a rather loud voice, “Dad! Wake up! It’s your birthday!” (Because seriously, at Hubs’ age, he probably needed to be reminded that it was November 5th and all.) But then the boy brought in the presents, which had been stacked neatly on our dining room table (because I have OCD and cannot stack presents UN-neatly), and we commenced with a bit of an impromptu birthday party, before the rooster even roused himself enough to croak out any noise.

So, just to keep the celebration of Hubs’ birthday going strong this evening, I’m making a list. It’s because I love lists, regardless of the fact that Hubs teases me mercilessly because of them. I enjoy making lists; I enjoy scratching things off of lists; and I enjoy just seeing a good list sitting out on the counter. Hubs is the complete opposite. He says that Navy Seals can’t carry paper lists around when they’re swimming dangerous waters, so they commit everything to memory.

So this post is for you, Hubs.

1. I love the way Hubs stops whatever he’s doing so that he can play with the boy, when the boy asks him to. Hubs is always up for a rousing board game, as well as to be on “stand-by” for gravity-defying Lego structures.

2. Hubs can make a mean fried egg.

3. Hubs can grill a mean steak.

4. Hubs cannot really cook anything else.

5. When we were first married, Hubs once washed a new red shirt with a load of whites. The result was that I asked him to please never, ever do laundry again, for as long as he lives.

6. I suspect that Hubs had the red shirt and the whites all planned out. On purpose. Because I think Hubs was actually trying to get kicked off of laundry duty for the rest of his life.

7. Hubs loves the Colorado Avalanche like they’re his very own sons.

8. Hubs continually calls out plays for the Denver Broncos’ head coach to use during televised games, and he shakes his head in irritation when said coach throws his suggestions off and tries different plays. Plays which Hubs didn’t recommend. Hubs claims that the Broncos only lose when their coach doesn’t listen to him.

9. Hubs can build computers. From scratch. He can take a pile of little bits of wires and scrap metal, basically melt them down in a pot over an open fire, and construct himself a new computer with the resulting liquid goo.

10. Hubs can also build houses.

11. Hubs once shot himself in the eye when he was sixteen, while he was out shooting prairie dogs.

12. Hubs endured emergency eye surgery, and he can actually still see out of the eyeball.

13. One of Hubs’ dreams was to become a Navy Seal, only when he tried to enlist, the Navy looked at him and said, “Well, I’m not sure about this. You have, after all, shot yourself in the eyeball. Our Navy Seals tend to be a little better marksmen than that.”

14. This crushed Hubs’ heart. Hubs is actually quite a good shot. It was just that he’d fired his gun into a prairie dog hole, and the bullet hit a rock, ricocheted, and popped Hubs in his eye. Hubs still thinks he’d make a mighty fine Navy Seal, and he could probably still shoot a prairie dog that poked its head out of its hole half a mile away.

15. Hubs is a really fantastic kisser. You’ll just have to trust me on this one!

16. Hubs cannot tolerate mushrooms. Not at all. Hubs will gag violently if a mushroom accidentally make its way into a bite of his dinner.

17. Hubs can drink milk straight out of the cow. Seriously. The fellow puts heavy whipping cream on his cereal, people!

18. Hubs has a thing for cats. He cannot walk by a kitty without petting it. He would adopt every stray cat in our county, if he could. I’m afraid that Hubs has a natural inclination to become a Crazy Cat Man, which I have to kick out of him once in a while. Two cats is our limit, and our zoo is currently at capacity.

19. Hubs is a TERRIBLY BAD disciplinarian, in regards to the cats. When they shred the houseplants and need a good beating, Hubs looks at me with sad eyes and says, “They’re so sorry! Don’t spank them!”

20. Hubs can laugh so hard at “The Office” that he cannot get air into his body. This makes everyone around him start to laugh. Pretty soon, you’re just laughing at Hubs, and not really at the TV show anymore.

21. When I was still pregnant with the boy, Hubs wanted to name him Claude Angus. Or Angus Claude. He didn’t care which way we phrased it. Everyone thought that Hubs was joking, but he wasn’t. He LOVED the name. Claude Lemieux was his favorite hockey player in the NHL at the time, and Angus Young was (and still is) Hubs’ favorite guitarist. Hubs thought that the name Claude Angus was one of the best names a small boy could have.

22. We did not name the boy Claude Angus.

23. My own mama threatened to take Hubs behind the barn and beat him if she ended up with a grandson named Claude Angus.

24. This did not scare Hubs, but my money would have been on my mom being victorious in that fight!

25. Hubs is a solid Republican, through and through.

26. Hubs wishes that he could have Glenn Beck over for dinner.

27. Hubs can watch really scary movies, and not be scared. I cannot.

28. Hubs can watch really bloody movies, without covering his eyes. I cannot.

29. The very first song that the boy ever sang was AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck,” thanks to Hubs, who taught him the lyrics.

30. Hubs and the boy love to take electronic stuff apart together. Just to see how stuff works.

31. Hubs loves Jesus. This is definitely a good thing.

32. Hubs does a weekly Bible study with three of his buddies. Every time that Hubs comes home from one of his Bible studies, I will ask him, “What did you learn about tonight?” And every single time I ask, Hubs always replies, “We learned about Jesus.” And then he grins. And then I say, “What did you learn about Jesus tonight?” And Hubs answers, “That He saves people.” We have this exact same conversation every Wednesday evening.

33. Hubs’ favorite TV shows are “The Office,” Glenn Beck’s talk show, and “Lost.” But truthfully, Hubs adores the TV, and he will, in fact, watch almost any show that’s on.

34. Once, when my friend Nicky and I went to a movie together, Hubs climbed into the backseat of the truck and waited for us in the parking lot. I thought that Hubs was home while I was at the theater. When Nicky and I got into the truck, Hubs jumped up from the backseat and said, “Don’t you ever look for bad guys in your vehicle?!” Nicky and I screamed better than banshees. I wet my pants. Literally. That is not a joke. Then Hubs had to lecture me by saying, “If a bad guy IS in the backseat, don’t just sit there, screaming and peeing! Either shoot him or get out and run!”

35. Wal-Mart on a Saturday can push Hubs to the brink of insanity.

36. No food is ever hot enough or spicy enough for Hubs. He ALWAYS complains by saying, “Why, this isn’t hot at all! It tastes like ketchup!”

37. The only exception to #36 is the habanero chili pepper that my sister’s father-in-law brought home from Florida, specifically for Hubs. My sister’s father-in-law knew that Hubs was always griping that peppers just weren’t very hot, so when he flew to Florida for a business trip and met a Cuban man who grew some habaneros that would peel paint off the space shuttle, he brought one home. He had intended to tell Hubs to take a tiny bite of it to start with, but Hubs, being the go-getter that he is, popped the entire thing into his mouth and chewed. My sister’s father-in-law gasped in horror.

38. Hubs broke out into a sweat when he ate the Florida habanero, grown by the Cuban man, whole. Sweat poured from his forehead. Sweat poured from his ears. His eyes watered. His nose ran. He couldn’t taste his steak any longer. He couldn’t, in fact, taste anything for the next several hours. After dinner, we went for a four-wheeler ride. I was driving, with Hubs riding on the back. About a half-mile from the house, Hubs said, “You have to take me home. RIGHT NOW, you have to take me home! Bumping around on this dirt road is making that pepper bob up and down in my gut, and I am on fire! I’m going to puke!”

39. Hubs has never met another habanero that was as hot as the one grown in Florida, by the Cuban man.

40. Hubs has a problem with Coke. The kind of Coke that comes in the little red cans. He loves to adopt homeless Cokes and love them and nurture them and slurp them down. Hubs will drink a Coke, and then he will bring his can upstairs, and leave it on the kitchen counter, right above the cupboard that houses the garbage can. Sometimes it is entirely too much for Hubs to open the cupboard and throw the Coke can into the garbage. But it’s never too much for him to simply set the Coke can on the counter ABOVE the garbage.

41. Hubs is a pretty fantastic fellow. After fourteen years of marriage, I actually still have a crush on him and love him to pieces. And he’s a pretty fantastic daddy. So, do you know what? I think we’ll keep him.

There. Forty-one things about Hubs.

Any guesses as to how old Hubs is today?!

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