What you’re about to hear is real. Not even the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Mama (speaking to Hubs): “Do you want anything at Starbucks? Because I’m totally stopping there for a hot beverage.” (Mama used the word totally, which was an enormous throwback to the ’80s, when Whitesnake was popular and she wore necklaces made out of plastic neon beads and had a banana clip in every color of the pastel rainbow, so that she’d have one to match every outfit combination she created.)
Hubs: “Heck yeah. Gosh! What d’ya think?” (Hubs used his best Napoleon Dynamite voice. Hubs uses his Napoleon Dynamite voice a lot. A whole lot. Sometimes Mama gets tired of Hubs saying things like, “Whatever I feel like!” and “I already made like infinity of those at Scout Camp.”)
Mama: “Good. And do you know what I like about you?”
(Hubs imagines that Mama likes his biceps, the fact that he can build houses without a general contractor, and that he can fix her computer whenever it shuts down.)
Mama: “What I like about you is simple. I actually know a couple of girls, and their husbands tell them to stay out of Starbucks. Can you even imagine being told that? But when I fall off the Starbucks wagon and land on my head on the ground, you get off the wagon to help me get up. And while we’re both off the wagon at the same time, you take me to Starbucks.”
Hubs: “You’re welcome. And you are so lucky to have me.”