We Actually Scare the Flies on our Walls

Real life conversations, which all occurred at the Jedi House this week:

1. “I think I want to change my personality. I think I want to be kind and gentle and sweet and speak softly and have a lot of spiritual knowledge that I can apply to life situations.”

“Well, when you get your split personality, can you try the new and kinder version of you out on me first?”

2. “You look really handsome in that new shirt this morning!”

“Well, thanks, but it’s not the new shirt that kicks me over to the handsome status. I’m just cool, and handsome usually goes hand-in-hand with being cool. I don’t need to buy anything to be cool. It’s just how I carry myself. It’s how every Navy SEAL carries himself.”

3. “Dad, I think Mam needs to take you outside and beat you.”

“Yeah, well Mam has been threatening to take me out behind the shed and beat me for fifteen years now, and she’s never done it. I am beginning to think it’s an empty threat. In another year, I’ll confirm it.”

4. “Is it ever going to stop raining here?”

“You know, I don’t mind this weather at all. It’s what Navy SEALS train in. We are trained in bad weather and the worst of conditions all the time, because life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. It’s how we roll. Hike in the rain; put caps in bad guys; save the good guys. It’s all in a day’s work.”

5. “You are officially on my list now.”

(Enormous sigh inserted here.) “Which list would that be this morning?”

THE list. There is no other. You are on a need-to-know basis, and all you need to know today is that you have, officially, placed yourself on THE list. It is not a good spot to be.”

6. “Yeah, this new shirt isn’t going to happen. Look at the collar! I look like I’m en route to meet John Travolta at the local disco club.”

“He doesn’t disco much anymore.”

“It doesn’t matter. You can take this shirt back, because I’ll never wear that collar.”

7. “Hey, Mom? Why don’t they make Pop Tarts to be really healthy and good for you, like broccoli? Because Pop Tarts taste better than broccoli does.”

8. “Are there any more groceries to unload?”

“No; I think we’re about done here.”

“Good. I am, officially, off the clock now. I’m going downstairs to watch hockey. Feel free to join me, but I’m not taking any more assignments tonight.”

9. The Boy: “How old are you, Mom?”

Mama: “Mama is nineteen.”

The Boy: “Really?”

Hubs: “No! Your mother is NOT nineteen! She’s lying, which is a sin. She’s forty! I’m nineteen, though. Your mother is a cradle-robber.”

The Boy: “Really? You’re only nineteen, Dad?”

Hubs: “Yes. I’m really nineteen.”

Mama: “Well that doesn’t sound good at all, and you know he’ll mention it at school. It’s horrid for you to even say that. If you’re nineteen, then I’m practically old enough to be your PE teacher, if I have to be forty!”

Hubs: “Yeah, well I hate to break it to you, but I probably wouldn’t have gone to your PE class. I’m sure that it’s a great PE class and all, but I just wasn’t into actually going to class in my younger years. It’s nothing personal. I just wouldn’t have showed up, so I doubt you would have been my PE teacher.”

Mama: “I would have flunked you.”

Hubs: “I would have charmed you into passing me by showing up, right before report cards were due.”

The Boy: “Really, Dad? You skipped classes when you were little? You can do that?”

Hubs: “No, you can’t. Daddy was just joking. It was a test to see what you’d say. The lesson that we’ve all learned here is that you need to go to class.”

Mama: “No, the lesson that we’ve learned here is that some conversations backfire and teach small children inappropriate life values, like skipping school.”

Hubs: “So we’re clearly entrenched in a dysfunctional family, aren’t we?”

Mama: “Welcome to my world.”

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