Ice Blocking

Hubs and I are in the process of making an appeal to the Olympic Board to request that they consider a BRAND NEW SPORT for the 2012 Summer Games in London.

Yes, the sport more than likely originated with hillbillies on a hillside who were hopped up on Uncle Bobby Don’s homemade moonshine.  Afterward, I’m sure that Uncle Bobby Don’s second cousin’s nephew’s brother’s kid brought the idea of the sport that HE grew up participating in to the local college campus, when he received a scholarship to major in chemistry because of everything he had learned in Uncle Bobby Don’s shed with all the brown sugar and yeast and copper tubing.

And then the sport spread out from there, until our friend, Jodi, heard of it on HER college campus, and signed up to play on a hot fall evening.  Hubs and I were convinced that moonshine was involved when Jodi discovered the sport, but she assures us that no!  No moonshine at all, because of CHURCH YOUTH GROUP ACTIVITY.

No matter.

Jodi told Hubs and me all about it, and listen, people.  Hubs is NEVER one to turn down a good redneck sporting event, as evidenced by the time he and Brother Joel hauled the boy and me to the local Mud Bog Races in the middle of an alfalfa field that kicked our then three-year-old boy in the face with FULL-BLOWN ALFALFA ALLERGIES.  Plus, Hubs may or may not have once burned one hundred and six holes in the plastic screen door on his mama’s house, while he and Brother and Brother Joel were squirting Boxelder Bugs with hairspray and then flashing a small, hand-held torch above them.

Hubs.  He is all over questionable sporting events.

And so, people, I give you ICE BLOCKING!  And let me tell you, Ice Blocking is forty-nine kinds of FUN!

First of all, you need a good group of kids.  Second, you’ll need to drive them all down to the local convenience store and purchase FROZEN WATER IN THE SHAPE OF LARGE SQUARES, also known as Ice Blocks.

Here, the cute neighbor boy demonstrates what y’all are looking for, as far as Sporting Equipment goes:

When your Suburban is full of Ice Blocks that cost $2.50 each, and which are melting because of HOLY SMOKES!  HOT DAY!, you’ll need to drive around your hometown to look for a grassy hill.  Oh, I’m sure you could use a DIRT HILL, but listen:  You’re going to crash and burn, and wiping out in the grass is ever-so-very-much-more pleasant when you land in well-watered Kentucky Bluegrass, versus gravel and dust.

Next, you’ll need to have some old beach towels handy.  Of course, you’re welcome to use your good and pricey Pottery Barn bath towels, but they’re going to end up with GRASS!  GRASS!  GRASS! stuck all over them, so go ahead and use the old ones.  Remember, Ice Blocking is not in a class with polo and sailing — you can use the OLD towels here, and no one will judge you for the giant red Gatorade stain the size of a beach ball on your pale yellow towel.

Fold the towels so that they completely cover the top of the ice block, because they will act as a barrier between your bum and the frozen water.  Even though it SOUNDS LIKE a good idea to just go on ahead and SIT on the ice without the towel when it’s 97 degrees outside, you’ll eventually develop frostbite on your backside and want to quit, so that you can go home to apply burn ointment to your cheeks.

Here, Ciara and the cute neighbor boy demonstrate the proper way to get started with your towels:

And then!

Then you just give yourself a little push, and you’re off.  It’s exactly like sledding on a snowy hill, as long as you subtract SNOW out of the equation and add GRASS.  And if y’all think that your ice block travels SLOWLY down the embankment, then y’all need to plum think again, because Ice Blocking is a FAST-PACED sport.

It’s like NASCAR on ice, because of SPEED!  SPEED!  Oh my word, the SPEED!

All the adults decided that the prime Ice Blocking position is to lean way back, like you’re on the luge, and just hope that all of your limbs are still firmly connected to your body when you crash at the bottom.

Of course, Ice Blocking is perfectly safe for all ages, and it’s okay to laugh until your facial muscles ache when the two-year-old wipes out at the bottom of the hill!  Poor Leah!  Being two means that you have less control over your block of ice than the big kids do, so you end up crashing a lot.

But see?  She’s laughing at herself!

Chance loved Ice Blocking as much as everyone else did.

And so did Foster.

Of course, Ice Blocking contestants will find alternative ways to get themselves down the grassy slope.

Of course, there are some drawbacks to Ice Blocking, because sometimes you suffer ICE BLOCKING INJURIES.

Especially when you are a barefoot contestant and the Ice Blocking Female Gold Medalist Champion slides over your toes.

The other drawback is that the sport of Ice Blocking doesn’t have enough sponsors and funding to build professional courses, so there are no chair lifts back UP the hill.  Oh, no.  This is where you’ll need some upper body strength to get yourself and your equipment back to the top of the Ice Block Run, as PUSHING seems to be the best method.

There are usually spectators along the course to cheer you on while you huff and puff and push your ice block back to the top of the hill.

Naturally, any time you have a group of boys involved, the testosterone will surge up and contests will be made.  Challenges will be thrown down.  RACES, people, will happen.

The races aren’t just limited to the DOWNWARD RUN, either.  Boys will turn the return trip into an enormous race, as well.

And really?  What party is complete without a good Conga Line breaking out?

This picture reminds me of the movie Madagascar.  “It’s more fun, Maurice, when you throw your hands in the air, like this!”

One of the perks about Ice Blocking is that hydration is never really a problem.  If you forget to bring a water bottle for the evening, you can simply LICK your ice block, as demonstrated by the cute neighbor boy.

Team USA.  Competitive Ice Blocking.  Summer Games in Small Town.  2011.

There’s Leah, the cute neighbor boy, Chance, Ciara, the boy, Foster and Blaine.  This team is practiced up and ready for the Olympic Games in London, 2012.

Yes, the adults ALL participated in Ice Blocking.  Yes, the adults ALL laughed like hyenas on the ride down the hill.  Yes, there are snapshots of the Team Grown Ups.  And, as much as I would LOVE to throw the one of Hubs wiping out and somersaulting at the bottom of the hill, which made me howl with the giggles so hard I nearly dropped my camera, I know that it wouldn’t be fair to put THAT one up, without one of ME on the blog.

And THAT, people, isn’t going to happen!

Ice Blocking is not a graceful sport.

After the kids were completely worn out from two hours on the slopes, we turned them loose at the park.

And then the boy and the cute neighbor boy had a ball smashing their ice blocks on a concrete slab.  They threw them, and they smashed them, and they thought it was every bit as much fun as Ice Blocking had been.

Meanwhile, Gabe and Jodi were packing THEIR ice blocks into big coolers.  Apparently when you reach PROFESSIONAL ICE BLOCKING STATUS, you buy your own equipment to bring the next time.

And also?  After two hours of ice blocking, your kids will SLEEP THE EXHAUSTED SLEEP, and isn’t that every parent’s dream?!

Happy Tuesday night, y’all.

1 thought on “Ice Blocking

  1. That was the funniest and cutiest thing I have seen in a long time. Thanks for sharing with me and letting my boys experience such a great sport.

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