Some Things About Hubs

So Hubs.

The man celebrated a birthday over the weekend, and I had some sweet intentions of doing a little Birthday Post in his honor, but things like waking up grouchy and yoga pants and watching the Colorado Avalanche lose to the Red Wings kind of set themselves up as road blocks this week on my blogging highway.

(Not that I really HAVE a blogging highway, because let’s be real here:  I simply shoot from the hip at Jedi Mama, Inc., throwing words out like rock salt shot at trespassers, and I simply hope that they end up with commas in all the right places, because missing punctuation marks makes my brain cramp up with grief.)

(And the other thing that makes my brain cramp with all the grief-ing is when the Red Wings WIN.)

(Not really.  I just say that, because it’s what Hubs has trained me to say, because over here at the Jedi Manor we cheer for the Avs and anyone who beats the Red Wings and Edmonton down.  And by we, I mean that Hubs cheers, because hockey games are on ALL!  OF!  THE TIME!, and sometimes I have other things to do in the evenings than sit in my yoga pants on the sofa, screaming with wild abandon if Duechene gets a hat trick.)

(You know… Other things, like loading the dishwasher and yelling at the boy for using half of a tube of Crest to write the words DAVEY JONES on his bathroom sink in sloppy handwriting.)

(Because really?  If you’re going to invest HALF A TUBE OF CREST, let’s practice our greatest penmanship, m’kay?)

But yes, Hubs is older, and in honor of that, I just thought that I’d list some things about Hubs tonight, because y’all know how much I adore a good list.

(Almost as much as I adore a good cheesecake, and that’s saying something.)

1.  I love the way that Hubs is not afraid to put the half-and-half on his breakfast cereal.  He scoffs at skim milk.  He calls skim milk GRAY WATER.  And then he empties the slender carton of half-and-half upside down over his Cocoa Pebbles, and he drowns all those chocolatey flakes in thick cream.  His motto is, “If your milk doesn’t coat your spoon, it’s not milk.” If I did this as often as Hubs does, my yoga pants would be done fitting.

2.  Hubs has two favorite foods:  Meat and More Meat.  We seldom have desserts around the Jedi Manor, because Hubs always says, “A second steak IS dessert.”

Unless, of course, it’s homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Then a second steak is dessert, and twelve cookies is called a Night Cap.

3.  Hubs is also the most technologically-gifted person I know.  He understands wires.  He understands connections.  He understands motherboards and circuits and electricity.  When he looks at a computer, Hubs sees beyond the monitor to what’s INSIDE OF the monitor.  When I see a computer, I see a Ralph Lauren shopping mall, if I’m holding my credit card.

4.  Hubs is the single WORST person on the planet to play Words With Friends with.  It’s simply because he will play one word every nine days.  It’s as fast as he can go with the alphabet tiles, and he laughs at himself when he spells the word TURD.

5.  Hubs is very mature.  Clearly.

6.  Hubs understands football COMPLETELY.  He’ll often look at me during a game and say, “The Broncos are going to run a Five-Eighty-Tailspin play.”

A Five-Eighty-Tailspin play is probably not a real play, but I am hard-pressed to think of any REAL ones at the moment.  It may be because I never pay a lick of attention to the names of real plays, because I don’t consider them as useful to memorize as the new Scentsy catalog.

And then?  Do you know what?  When Hubs announces it, it’s like the coach HEARS him, and the Five-Eighty-Tailspin play is played.

And then the Broncos usually fumble.

When I watch a football game, I often say things like, “Who decided that blue and orange MATCH?” and “What number is Tebow again?”

7.  Hubs has been reading his Bible every single night, because Hubs decided that he’d read the entire thing, from cover to cover — from the creation of the penguins and the stars to the River of Life — in one year.  He never misses a night, and he’s in the Gospel of John right now.  That’s because the Bible is a very thick book, and it takes ten entire months to read the Old Testament and two months to whip through the New Testament.

8.  Hubs reads the Bible on his iPad, because an iPad is quite technologically handsome.  Hubs tells me that he can find any verse location faster than I can, because the iPad GOES RIGHT TO IT.  Sometimes we have races doing this.  I prefer my old-school, slightly-beat-up, very-well-loved Bible, and I pit it against Bible iPad.

I win every single time.

Or at least 99 times out of 100.

Sometimes in church, when Pastor John tells us to please turn to Mark 12:5, I whisper to Hubs, “Beat you!”

This is sometimes due to the fact that Hubs also has Deer Hunter on his iPad.  That’s in case he needs to doodle during the sermon — he can just put a bead on a buck.

Don’t be alarmed; Hubs turns the sound off.

9.  Hubs likes anything and everything that explodes.  A small, handheld propane torch and a can of V05 hairspray will keep Hubs entertained until the hairspray is all gone.

10.  A little more than a year ago, Hubs made the bold announcement to me that he was going to quit his job as Small Town County’s IT director and open his own IT business with his buddy, Ryan.  I told Hubs, “Don’t you dare!”  Because really?  Small Town County will ALWAYS be around, and they will ALWAYS have networks to fix.  This is a little something known in the free world as job security.  Hubs just grinned and said, “I think this is the right thing to do.”  Of course, Hubs was referring to HIS idea as the right thing, and not my idea, which was that he’d continue to be the IT director for Small Town County.


He told me this in a posh little golf course restaurant, while we were having our anniversary dinner.

And then I went home and bawled, and tried to imagine myself living in a small pup tent at a KOA Campground.


And now, a full year and a half later, Hubs and Ryan have a thriving business.  They’ve merged with their friend  Tyler, who had a computer business of his own.  They’ve added employees.  They’ve worked a WHOLE LOT OF HOURS.  They have picked up a whole gob of clients.  And, right now, things are going along swimmingly.

In fact, the boys are even building a new building.

Or rather, SOMEONE ELSE is building a new building for the boys, because Hubs already built our house, and we’re never going to build anything ourselves that is larger than a birdhouse for a sparrow ever, ever again.

A few weeks ago, the boys had their ground-breaking ceremony.  I went to it, and I stood in the EXTREMELY COLD WIND, and I clapped with a whole heap of pride in my heart for what Hubs’ hard work and faith and determination has brought about.

There were speeches to be made, but thankfully J did a lot of the talking and explaining, as he gave the back history of their little business.  If Hubs had been asked to make the speech, he would have said, “I’d like to thank everyone for coming.  We make networks happen.  And we have cookies over there on the table.”

Hubs is known for all the talking he does.

Hubs is the cute one on the left.  This picture was taken after Hubs had just worked thirty-eight hours in a row, without ceasing.   Hubs is very, VERY tired in this snapshot.  And he didn’t shave.  And he is squinting in the bright sunshine without his Oakleys.

The shovels were spray painted gold.  It’s because they were really more for DECORATIVE PURPOSES than for digging a foundation with.

Tyler is standing right beside Hubs, in the bright blue shirt.  Tyler had also just worked thirty-eight hours without stopping, but I think he got a shave in before posing with the faux shovels.  Ryan is the tall guy in the navy shirt, dead center.  He is also very tired.  It wasn’t because he had just worked for thirty-eight consecutive hours, though.  Ryan was tired because his wife had just given birth a couple of days before this picture, and Ryan was suffering from JUST GETTING HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL and NEWBORN IN THE HOUSE ailments.

So was J.

Apparently, Tyler and Hubs didn’t get the memo that they should all have new babies this year.

In a few months (or a couple of years, if the contractors are slow), there will be a building right here in THIS spot:

Good job, Hubs.  I’m powerfully proud of all that you do.

Except for playing Deer Hunter during church.

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