Today pretty much started off like any other school day, which means that I was up early enough to catch the rooster still napping, which is partially due to the fact that SHOWER! I NEED A SHOWER! AND THE BOY HAS HIM SOME SCHOOL! and partially due to the other fact that INSOMNIA! IT MEANS I AM AWAKE AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT ANY MORE!
But I would like to go on the record and state for the jury that HELLO, PEOPLE! I actually slept eight uninterrupted hours on Saturday night, which is nothing short of a modern day miracle.
God is still big, y’all.
Of course, I really wanted to sleep eight uninterrupted hours on Sunday night as well, but by then the Miracle Clean-Up Crew was already completely involved, sweeping up all the confetti and party horns from the celebration of all the sleep the night before. On Sunday night, I told Hubs at precisely 9:45, “My word, but am I ever tired!” And Hubs replied that old folks usually feel a bit sleepy after The Barbara Mandrell Show wraps itself up for the evening. Hubs is hysterical. So I shut my bedside lamp off at precisely 9:46, and I conked out like a cold salami.
Meanwhile, Hubs continued reading his iPad in bed, because Hubs is of the mindset that books and magazines have become obsolete, and why would he waste precious space storing a copy of Sports Illustrated in our house, when he can read everything he wants to read about the Colorado Avalanche through the beauty of technology?
At some point on Sunday night, I had a dream that I was riding my bicycle (complete with a wicker basket on the handlebars, but sadly… no bell) at full speed (which is really quite fast when you’re dreaming) down a tree-covered hill. All of the branches from all of the trees were slapping me in the face, and I kept flopping my head from side-to-side to keep myself from having my eyes gouged out. Meanwhile, the Vacuum Cleaner Man was chasing me. Normally, I actually enjoy a good Vacuum Cleaner Man, because I am nerdy enough to appreciate any household gadget that makes my floors cleaner, and if a vacuum salesman wants to give a demonstration, then who I am to stop him? However, this particular fellow wasn’t selling me a Hoover; he was a BAD GUY! BAD GUY!, and he was chasing me with the intention of using his twenty-four-inches-in-diameter vacuum hose to suck my face off. Eventually, he knocked me off of my bike, and he kept shoving the giant hose in my face, and I couldn’t breathe, as my eyeballs were now being sucked out of their sockets, and I was SCREAMING FOR HELP! Screaming and screaming, and there was much fighting going on, because I have seen The Karate Kid (both the old and the new versions, which basically makes me a Kung Fu expert!), and I was attempting to HI-YAH him with a solid kick to his head.
And then I woke up.
And Hubs was staring at me with enormously wide eyes, and this is exactly what he said, so people, please… Cover the eyes of your young ‘uns here.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
(I’m sure Hubs spoke to Jesus about his terminology later, people, so please don’t worry about his soul. He’s still heaven-bound.)
My heart was about to explode in my chest, what with the fight of my life that I’d just been involved in, and I gave an abbreviated recap of my dream to Hubs. And then Hubs informed me that I had been screaming in bed, and flopping back and forth and ripping the quilt pretty much to shreds.
The condition of our bedding said that Hubs wasn’t lying.
I simply told him that I HAD EXPERIENCED A NIGHTMARE, and WHY WASN’T HE COMFORTING ME BY PATTING MY BACK LIKE MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE DONE?! And Hubs said something like AND WASTE THE EXPERIENCE OF THE SHOW YOU WERE PUTTING ON, BY YELLING AND THROWING PILLOWS WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED?!
And then I said, “Why are you still awake? Isn’t it… like… the middle of the night?”
And Hubs said, “It is 10:00.”
Fourteen minutes, people.
In fourteen minutes, I managed to fall asleep and fight the Vacuum Cleaner Man to the death. I’m going to put that talent on my resume.
And I don’t even remember how I started this post, except to tell you that I was up early, making a lunch for the boy, because he honestly believes that the cooks at his school are slowly poisoning the children with arsenic, and I said, “Have you been reading Flowers in the Attic?” Which, of course, was a dumb question, because if it isn’t assigned by the teacher and presented to the boy with the words READ THIS OR SIT AT YOUR DESK DURING RECESS, the boy WON’T BE READING IT, simply because the boy doesn’t read anything longer than the brand-name on his cereal box.
And then someone texted me to say YOUR BLOG. IT IS DOWN.
So apparently we here at Jedi Mama, Inc. were experiencing some technical difficulties this morning, and listen. Not only did the internet kick me off, but it put up a nice little note that said IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF THIS SITE, PLEASE CALL US. YOU OWE US SOME MONEY.
Oh, sweet mercy, but the blogging industry shamed me online for everyone to see.
Or at least for my mom to see, who may actually be the only living person who reads this bog.
I called Tech Support, without a Valium tablet in my system, while I was running on VERY LITTLE SLEEP, because what part of I HAVE BEEN SUFFERING FROM INSOMNIA FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER AND FIGHTING BAD GUYS ON MY BIKE did you not understand?
And really? I hate calling Tech Support, because they speak a language I don’t understand, which is to say that they use phrases like DID YOU TRY REBOOTING? and I THINK YOUR FLUX CAPACITATOR MAY HAVE A GIGABYTE DRAINAGE PROBLEM.
And also? When Hubs says those things to me, I usually end up crying.
So I put my call through to Hubs, and he said, “Your blog is down? What are you talking about? Did you try rebooting?” And this is where I just went ahead and began to cry, and Hubs sighed and began to wonder why on earth he ever thought that he could handle a wife, and thanked his lucky stars that he wasn’t all wrapped up in a religion that required him to have MULTIPLE WIVES. I think the poor man mentally slipped into his happy place, where everyone was skating on the ice and clubbing one another over the head with hockey sticks and grinning without teeth, before he blinked himself into reality again and got back to me.
Hubs really couldn’t handle multiple wives, because I think Hubs’ one wife is slowly killing him off, like the school cooks are doing to the children with arsenic and lasagna.
So Hubs sighed and said in a very calm voice, “I have a major server problem at work right now, and I will look at your blog tonight.”
And that, people, is exactly how I like Tech Support to go. Without a Valium tablet, I NEED Tech Support to whisper, “I will handle things from here if you will just be patient.”
And so, just as I am learning to completely give the reigns to God in everything, because He is completely capable of HANDLING THINGS FROM HERE, I am also learning to just hand all of my computer problems over to Hubs, because when he asks me technical questions, I only hear him say, “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…”
It’s like I lack the piece of the human brain that understands DOS and Binary and Did You Try Rebooting?
So when Hubs got home this evening, after dealing with major server problems at work all day, he took one look at me and saw that I was all wrapped up in making him a casserole for dinner, when he KNOWS exactly how much I enjoy all the cooking, and he dealt with the blog’s flux capacitator.
And the final verdict was that Hubs was in the process of switching Jedi Mama, Inc. over to a server that his computer company owns, instead of a server that is owned by some stranger in cyberspace, and that stranger simply saw that HEY! I DIDN’T GET PAID TO HOST THIS BLOG THIS WEEK!, so he shut us down because he hadn’t gotten Hubs’ memo of HEY, WE DON’T NEED YOU ANY LONGER, and then he shamed me by saying Y’ALL DIDN’T PAY YOUR BILL THIS MONTH AND I’M JUST GOING TO LET EVERYONE WHO ACCESSES YOUR BLOG KNOW THAT.
And Hubs apparently fought him like I fought the Vacuum Cleaner Man, but with less action and fewer HI-YAHS, and Hubs came out victorious.
And now, people, Hubs is hosting this blog, and we are up and running once again.
Which is the long version of HEY! WE HAD SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES TODAY EVEN AFTER REBOOTING.
But I think the flux capacitator is going to be just fine, which is more than I can say for this blog, because WOW! I think we just hit a record here at Jedi Mama, Inc. for the number of run-on sentences found in a single blog post.
Happy Monday night, y’all.