Sometimes It Takes A Big Burrito To Let You Know How Tough You Really Are

So the boy’s spring break is long gone, and he’s back into the thick of learning percentages and fractions and trying to remember that Mama really prefers that he drinks out of the water bottle she sends with him to school every day instead of the public drinking fountain in the hallway that is laced with COUGHS and STOMACH FLU and STREP THROAT.  Hubs has no problem with public drinking fountains.  He says, “That which doesn’t kill us, doesn’t kill us.”  Yes.  There is that.

Because our family added Thing 2 to it last month, we decided that pulling off a four-day trip to see the Colorado Avalanche lose their way out of the playoffs and visit the hippos and the polar bears and the wolves at the zoo just wasn’t what we were equipped to do.  Texting and driving isn’t safe, but driving after having spent a month of nights with Thing 2 really endangers everyone on the road.  Instead of our YES, WE’RE GOING TO THE ZOO AND TAKING DADDY TO CRY OVER THE LAST HOCKEY GAME OF THE SEASON, we stayed at home.

Except for the day when Mama let Hubs sleep all night and told Thing 2 all by herself, “Go to sleep, Baby!” all night long, so that Hubs could drive the next day.  THEN we went to Bigger Town, some two hours away.  We took the boys (I still can’t get over the fact that INDEED!  HUBS AND I HAVE BOYS IN THE PLURAL FORM NOW!) and our cute neighbor boy.

We did some shopping, which killed the boy, because he needed shorts.  And if you’ve been around Jedi Mama, Inc. for any length of time, you know that having a pleasant experience in the dressing room with the boy is every bit as possible as having Big Foot ring your doorbell and say, “I exist.”  In contrast, the cute neighbor boy LOVES to shop for clothes at Aeropostale and American Eagle, and he kept saying, “I’ll just be a second longer!  I’m going to try these shorts on!”  I think it’s because our cute neighbor boy has two teenage brothers who have shamed him into fashion.

The boy still thinks a black cape and his pajama bottoms in Walmart are fashionable.

And the shopping?  It went exactly as I had anticipated with the boy, but two hours and one aneurism later, we had a supply of shorts for him to wear this summer.  It should be noted that he was also quite grumbly and declared that he was PLUM DONE trying clothes on in the year 2012.

Oh, Baby.  In September you’re going to need new jeans for school.

The cute neighbor boy was happily swinging his Aeropostale bag and saying, “I got the coolest yellow shirt!”  And the boy snapped, “The coolest way to get clothes is to just have your mom buy them online and throw them into your closet without you ever having to try them on.”

With the shopping hell behind us, Hubs and I took the boys to the indoor water park, because it was spring break and all.  And really?  With as much fun as the two of them had in the water, you would have thought they’d packed up their swim trunks and gone to Fort Lauderdale.

Minus the keg, because Hubs and I only let them have the soda that was on tap.

Hubs and I adore these two crazy characters.  We’re rather certain that God called us to build our house where we did, so that the cute neighbor boy could be in our lives.  He’s a gem.  Especially when it comes to shopping for clothes.

This staircase was built by professional parents, who knew that kids who climbed it  three thousand and twelve times during one afternoon would sleep like rocks that night.  I have petitioned Hubs to build such a staircase in our backyard.  I’m rather certain that it would be QUITE HANDY during slumber parties at our house.

That’s three stories’ worth of steps, people.

Of course, such a stairway in our backyard would end… nowhere.  The boys would just have to haul bedsheets up with them to use as parachutes for the down trip.  At the water park, though, these steps ended at the top of the water slides.  When the boys shot down the slides, they looked like this:

And then the boys did some planking

These boys are trained planking professionals.  Please do not attempt this at home.

Oh.  Wait.

I think they were riding the waves in the wave pool to shore.  This is what you call BODY SURFING in landlocked states.

See?  They’re okay!  I know that they were okay, because they both lifted their heads out of the water to suck in some air.  And then they came back to our table and ate cheese pizzas.  And corn dogs.  And French fries.  And Mountain Dews.

Don’t judge us.  It was spring break.  The nutritional rules are null and void then.

Of course, Thing 2 enjoyed his time at the water park in Bigger Town.  He did what he does best during the daylight hours.

He slept.

A lot.

Maybe because it was 372 degrees inside the water park with 1,000% humidity.  I had curls in my hair that I didn’t even know that I had.  Hubs’ goatee even curled.  Our shirts stuck to our backs.   That’s what we get for being non-swimmers on the edge of all the fun with the baby in our laps.

Hubs and I didn’t want Thing 2 to miss ALL the fun, so we stuck his feet in one of the pools.

He wasn’t impressed.

He may have glared at me a bit for having disturbed his day-long nap.

He said, “Listen, Woman.  I’m not wearing my swim trunks, and I don’t swim in the onesie!  Let me be!  I need a nap!”

And then Thing 2 immediately proceeded to mess his diaper in a way that ONLY happens when you’re on the road and not at home.  I changed him in the locker room, on the dirtiest changing station ever.

Go ahead and drink from the fountains at school, Boy.  I just changed your brother’s diaper on a public changing table that was probably laced with the germ of DEATH.

While I was cleaning up the mess Thing 2 had made, he peed on me.  Three times.  And he peed on two walls.  And then he stuck his foot in the mess in his diaper.

Good times, people.  Good times.

After all the swimming, the boys were STARVING, because what part of WE ONLY HAD CHEESE PIZZAS AND FRENCH FRIES AND CORN DOGS AND MOUNTAIN DEW did you not understand?  Hubs and I stopped at a Qdoba, where they make a burrito that is approximately the size of Africa.

Hubs ate his ENTIRE burrito, because he thinks he’s a manly man.  And then he spent the drive home whispering, “I am so full.  I cannot breathe, I am so full!  I need to lay down.  I need to just lay in the road for a bit.  I can’t sit up straight and breathe at the same time.  I think I might die.”

The boy and the cute neighbor boy ate their Mexican dinners and said, “What’s for dessert?”

And that, people, is a little snapshot of our spring break experience.

Hubs and I couldn’t have had a better day with those three boys.  They were perfect.

Except for that small window of time when we were in the dressing room and I questioned why I ever became a parent in the first place.  OTHER THAN THAT, those boys were precious gems.

Happy Tuesday, people.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *