They Didn’t Find A Sasquatch, But I Found My Blue-Handled Mop In All The Mess

So the boy arrived home this afternoon around 1:00.  He hauled in everything that he had taken with him to Ben’s house, as he kicked off his Spring Break week, which was exactly the right amount of stuff to take with you if you were planning on jetting off to the space station and working for an eighteen-month shift.  He hadn’t showered since Friday morning, and he smelled a little ripe.  Although I had packed him clothes for every day that he’d be gone in the typical GIRL FASHION — which means I packed pants and a shirt and socks and clean Under Armour boxers for every! single! day! — he showed up at our house in pretty much the same outfit that he had left in on Friday.  The other clothes were still folded nicely in his bag.

I rest secure in the comfort that we will not have the drama that a teenage girlfriend can bring to a home, because Hubs and I have no hopes that the boy will be able to snag one with the hygiene habits he is currently fond of keeping.

I have finally come to understand that when a guy packs a vacation bag in the BOY FASHION, it involves taking a sweatshirt, extra batteries, and a knife, and nothing more.  There is no thought to the additional pairs of clean Under Armour boxers, because they won’t be needed, unless Big Foot actually jumps out from the bushes and roars in the boy’s face.

Our boy came home with his prized adding machine, which he’d scored at the BEST AUCTION EVER (read, MY FIRST AUCTION EVER), and he regaled me this afternoon with how you can type in numbers and low!  They will be printed on the ticker tape, and wasn’t this a bargain for $35, Mom?  Seeing as how you can buy new ones at Walmart for $20, I’d say we need to reevaluate the boy’s mathematical achievements, because I think you get a FULL ROLL of ticker tape with the new ones, instead of a partial roll like what this particular $35 number came with.  But fifteen extra hard-earned, backed-with-the-gold, American dollars is worth all the first-time auction experience.

Plus, they apparently had free popcorn there.

I also heard all about Base Camp 1, and how the boy and Ben had established it out in the field for all the Big Foot hunting, and how they set up the game camera just so, and how they had taken enough snacks to sustain them for the duration of the hunt, and how they saw nothing, even though they had very faithfully used the field guide on how to bag your own large-footed primate that Brother and Brother’s Wife had given to the boy for Christmas.  I asked the boy, “Is this because… you know… Big Foot isn’t REAL?  Is that why you saw nothing?”  (Does this make me a Debbie Downer?  Mrs. Joy Killer?  All because I don’t believe in upright monkeys taking steroids and bench-pressing fallen logs?)  The boy looked at me like I needed one more hole in my head and said, “Mom, Small Ranching Community isn’t really prime Big Foot territory.  There isn’t enough forest and trees for the squatches to hide in.  Although we did see a dead cow’s skeleton, which was COOL, MOM!  That was SO COOL! Do you even know how awesome it is to find AN ENTIRE COW SKELETON?  Only Ben and I don’t think the cow was a Big Foot kill, because the legs weren’t broken, and everyone knows that a squatch snaps an animals legs in half before he eats it.”

Everyone knows that except for the mama, I imagine, because that was news to me, folks.  And it was also more news than I really needed to hear, what with my issues regarding bones in my meat and all.

No matter.  It is PLUM GOOD to have our big boy back home, and we have enjoyed hearing everything about his four days on the ranch.  Although I will be honest and say that I was a bit jealous when the boy announced, “And Ben’s mom made THE VERY BEST grilled asparagus that was wrapped in bacon, and, Mom, you would be SO PROUD of me, because I not only TRIED her asparagus, I actually LIKED it.  And I ate six pieces.”  Because it would be his own flesh-and-blood mother who has been trying to get the boy to eat things like asparagus and Brussels sprouts and broccoli that isn’t bathed in processed cheese spread for years now.  Where I have failed, Ben’s mom succeeded, because everyone knows that all food just tastes BETTER down on the ranch.  Or maybe it’s just that all food tastes better when a side of bacon is wrapped around it.

So after the lazy restful weekend that we had over here at Jedi Mama, Inc., the piper had to be paid first thing this morning.  Basically this means that I spent the entire morning scrubbing our house like I was anticipating a visit from Princess Kate herself.  I think I should be more embarrassed than I am to tell y’all that I vacuumed the day before we left town to go see Thing 2 be born (and that would have been March 4th), and the vacuum cleaner has not made its way out of the closet since then.  Since Thing 2 is four weeks old today (SLOW IT DOWN, BABY!  LET’S NOT RUSH ALL THE GROWING UP!  MAMA NEEDS TO CUDDLE YOU FOR A WHOLE LOT LONGER YET, BEFORE YOU’RE A 5th GRADER LIKE YOUR BROTHER IS!), it has been four weeks PLUS ONE DAY since I last vacuumed.  The dust bunnies beneath our beds had become mammals the size of racoons.  I didn’t know whether to feed them or make sure they were all current on their rabies vaccines.

But yes.  I really did throw some sweat and a good ponytail and pair of yoga pants into all the cleaning this morning, while we waited for the Sasquatch Hunter to come back home.  I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

BEFORE:

AND THEN THE AFTER:

I’m definitely feeling a lot better about things at the Jedi Manor this evening, especially since we’re no longer storing our Cheerios and Lucky Charms boxes on the floor.  Plus, I was just excited to find my blue-handled, bacteria-filled sponge mop in all that mess we had, because goodness knows!  The floors needed some attention!  And if I can find the mop in THAT, the boy and Ben should have been able to spot a Big Foot in an open field.

I think it’s because yes!  Blue mops exist, even if they’re buried in debris while they’re leaning against your microwave.

And, people, that’s all I have for you tonight.  I’m meeting a group of girls at Starbucks in a bit for a quick nightcap and giggles, and Thing 2 and the boy need a good snuggle with their mama on the sofa before I leave.

Happy Monday.

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