Do you know what a crawling baby can do to a house? Because the Little People airplane? And the brightly-colored teething rings? And the toy phone with all the buttons and the music and the flashing lights? Yeah. Crawling babies DO NOT want these things! They want all the Scentsy wax out of the baskets in the kitchen. They want the bottle of mustard out of the pantry. They want the bibs out of the baskets in their bedroom. They want the picture frames off the coffee table. They want the catnip cigar under the dining room table. They want Mama’s books out of the bookcase. They want the cords under the desk.
Crawling babies do not want toys; they want things. Because of this, Thing 2 and I have had some issues today, but they’re all issues that could be solved by buying a dog leash and tying Thing 2 up in the backyard. I think he’d do okay with the grass and the dirt back there.
So if my sentences ramble tonight… you know… MORE THAN USUAL… then I blame the fact that all I’ve said today is, “No! No cords, sweetheart! No picture frames, honey! No books, baby!” I had to smear cream cheese on a graham cracker just to cope.
Our weekend was fantastic.
(Pretend that I used a nice transitional sentence. I’m afraid that I don’t even know how to use those properly any more, because they seem to be a thing of the past here at Jedi Mama, Inc.)
On Friday night, the boy had his buddies, Enzo and Bek, stay over. They threw sleeping bags on my family room floor. They stole my iPhone charger because their iPods were dead. They laughed. They screeched. They jumped off the sofa and attempted flips. They ate a whole cheese pizza between them. And then Hubs took them to a haunted house, which was a fundraiser at the school where I teach.
Hubs came home and said, “I lost one boy fifteen seconds into the haunted house. He bailed on us and said he’d just wait outside. A second boy squeezed the life blood out of my hand through the entire dark maze. The third boy strolled through like he was simply at Wal-mart.”
They all came back to our house and watched a movie and insisted (IN! SISTED!) that they were not scared at all. They had no explanation for why they slept with the family room lights on all night.
On Saturday morning, I fed them all a breakfast of champions. They had their pick of glazed donuts or chocolate-frosted ones.
And then we went to THE COOLEST birthday party in the history of birthday parties.
The boys’ friend, Ciara, turned twelve on Saturday. Her parents threw an Amazing Race party for her, just like the TV show.
Here’s the cute birthday girl:
The party-goers all had to stand behind the starting line, while Ciara’s mom, Jodi, explained the rules of the game to them.
(Yes. The one picture is blurry. It’s how the kids looked all day, as they ran and ran and also ran to beat the other teams.)
The first challenge was a doozy. They had to work as a team to throw five pieces of candy corn (I just threw up a little in my mouth!) into the mouths of their teammates. The boy has a passion for the chopsticks; he uses them all the time at home. I feared that he had an unfair advantage, what with all the practicing, and then we witnessed Enzo in action. The chopsticks seemed like an extension of Enzo’s fingers, as he maneuvered them like his home address was Hong Kong.
Jodi needed party decorations, so the teams competed to see who could blow up ten balloons first.
…and they found out that they had to head to a nearby elementary school and make fifteen free throws on the playground’s basketball court. Every team was assigned to a vehicle. Hubs and I drove our Suburban with the boy and Bek. You can rest assured that Hubs took this job very seriously. He backed into parking places to make for speedy exits. He hollered, “Run! Run! Run!” like a drill sergeant in between challenges. Yes. Hubs is a touch competitive. His team wasn’t going to lose for all the Coke in a delivery truck.
The whoops and hollers at the basketball court sounded like Small Town was playing Rival Town! The teams were in ferocious competition to be the first ones to wrap up their free throws and get on with the next challenge…
…which was texting a message to Ciara’s new cell phone to wish her a happy birthday. The catch? It had to be at least 100 characters in length. The boy and Bek took care of that by typing out ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CIARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,’ until they’d reached 100 characters.
The boy said, “Hey! The challenge card didn’t say it had to be LETTER characters; it just said CHARACTERS!”
And then the teams had to sing a song on a street corner. The boy and Bek belted out two rounds of “Happy Birthday, dear Ciara!” before jumping in the Suburban and having Hubs floor the gas pedal to the next challenge…
The next challenge card came with real dollar bills. The kids had to zip off to a gas station and buy a block of ice. Then they had to take their block of ice to a grassy hill, and they had to go Ice Blocking.
Ice Blocking is redneck sledding. It’s a total kick in the britches, not to mention A BUNS CHILLER!
The boy and Bek aced the ice block purchasing, because Hubs may or may not have made an illegal left turn to catapult them to the lead. And then they were seasoned professionals at Ice Blocking, because the boy knows how to do it!
And that, people, put them at the pizzeria ahead of everyone else. After Hubs cut our Suburban in front of an apparent drifter who was on a bicycle, pulling a trailer loaded with everything he owned in this world, we were guaranteed first place.
The bicyclist let Hubs know how he felt about being cut off. Don’t worry. It was more of a “Hubs Went When It Wasn’t His Turn,” sort of deal, rather than “Hubs Nearly Sideswiped A Bicyclist.” The bike rider’s life was never in danger, but a Navy SEAL isn’t going to WAIT when there’s an opportunity to GO.
We raced back across town to our church, where Ciara’s mama threw the party, and the boys had to run across the finish line without dropping their pizzas.
…I wish you could hear ALL THE NOISE that went along with this snapshot. Because really? Who passes out party horns at a birthday party and expects things to be quiet?!
And then the boy and Bek got miniature trophies that were tied to CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE for being the first place finishers…
…thanks to that illegal left-hand turn and the bicyclist who didn’t get to go first.
Afterwards, on sugar highs, with pizza sauce all over their faces, the kids played some foosball and wrestled one another to the ground, and they flipped all over the sofas in our church’s youth room.
Ciara’s Amazing Race is going to be hard for anyone to top.
After the party, we came back home to reality. There were 9.3 billion leaves in our yard that needed to be cleaned up.
Thing 2 may have enjoyed his time outside in the saucer on Saturday afternoon, while everyone else worked, but his time is coming when he’ll be tall enough to hold a rake.
And then, because he’s the Energizer Bunny who never quits, the boy cleaned up on Saturday night, and he went with Enzo’s family to another Halloween party… and another haunted house. Oh, to be young again!
Hubs and I took our Geritols and put our teeth in jars, and we were in bed before the boy even came back home!
On Sunday, there was church.
And then we helped Mam and Pa rake up their leaves, too, because apparently everyone lives smack in the middle of Sherwood Forest.
And THAT, people, was our weekend. I recapped it in less than 1700 words, which feels like a blogging victory. Our weekend was full.
Y’all have a great Monday evening.