Hubs and I took the boy to Bigger Town, USA today, so that he could see the orthodontist. Apparently, we are in the mood to unload some thick stacks of cash. And yes, we could have seen an orthodontist right here in Small Town, but we like to be difficult. I mean, really? With enough money wrapped up in Operation Teeth-Straightening to buy a private island, we like to add insult to injury and blow through an entire tank of gas in the Suburban, too, what with Bigger Town being a solid two hours away.
Because gas is cheap.
But, the orthodontist in Bigger Town came highly recommended. We’ve been with him for three years now… through all the jaw measuring and the X-rays and the drama of eye teeth being embedded beneath the boys eyes and refusing to just go on ahead and migrate South, toward the spot where they are supposed to be. And we like him. Plus, he specializes in jaws that are too small, and that is exactly what the boy has. So, win-win.
Today, I envisioned us going as a family to Bigger Town, seeing the orthodontist, having some lunch, and knocking out some shopping.
Specifically, the boy needed some Under Armour shorts and some swim trunks, because his legs are growing like a baby giraffe’s. He announced to me the other morning, “I can’t wear any of my shorts to PE, Mom, because they’re up above my knee now, and THAT is awfully embarrassing.”
This puts the VERY FIRST TIME THE BOY HAS EVER CONSIDERED FASHION AND PEER COMMENTS TOGETHER on our record books. Up until now, the boy would have worn anything to school… and he did. He would have just gone in his flannel pajama bottoms, if his mama wouldn’t have suffered an aneurysm from it all.
But not any more.
We were going to buy some shorts and some swim trunks today; I had this enormous desire to look at ALL THINGS TARGET.
Especially throw pillows and area rugs.
And pastel-colored shirts for Thing 2 to wear on Easter Sunday.
And maybe some scarves for myself.
And whatever else managed to catch my eye in Target.
And then THIS happened:
That was a little picture that I snapped with my iPhone in the mall. It was taken immediately after the boy realized that WHAT? I HAVE TO TRY SHORTS ON? BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD ORDER THEM ONLINE, MOTHER, AND NOT BOTHER ME WITH DRESSING ROOMS!
And it was also taken immediately after Hubs stood at the Clinique counter with me and realized WHAT? A BOTTLE OF PERFUME CALLED HAPPY COSTS FIFTY ENTIRE DOLLARS? THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME VERY HAPPY! AND WHY IS IT TAKING THE LADY SO LONG, SO LONG, SO DADGUM LONG TO GET EVERYTHING SCANNED INTO THE CASH REGISTER FOR US? I’M AGING OVER HERE, JUST WAITING!
That’s what those boys were today.
When the nice lady at the Clinique counter informed me that I would be getting a $10 rebate on my purchase, since I had bought a minimum of fifty dollars’ worth of fragrances, I was quite excited.
The drawback was that I had to haul my receipt to the Customer Service desk on the other side of the store, where they would then reimburse $10 to my debit card.
Hubs was not at all thrilled with this, because I’M OVERWHELMED WITH ALL THE DIFFERENT PERFUME SMELLS, WHICH ARE SWIRLING TOGETHER TO CREATE THE PERFECT HEADACHE IN ME, and THEY JUST MAKE YOU GO CLEAR BACK TO CUSTOMER SERVICE, SO THAT YOU HAVE TO WALK THROUGH THE SHOE DEPARTMENT, AND THEY KNOW THAT WOMEN ARE GONNA STOP THERE AND BUY, BUY, BUY THEMSELVES SOME SHOES, AND THAT KILLS THE TEN DOLLAR REBATE DEAD.
And the boy was not thrilled because of HOW LONG DO WE REALLY NEED TO BE IN THIS STORE, BECAUSE MY BRAIN HURTS WITH ALL THE BOREDOM.
People, at this point, we still had to go to Gap Kids and buy swim trunks.
The shopping joy left me.
I think this was Hubs’ plan all along — to completely squash my Target dreams — because it cost him the fewest dollars.
This is what I learned today: The mood of boys can never be guaranteed in a shopping mall. And I also learned that you cannot envision a day of shopping bliss in a big city when you are hauling boys around with you, unless you’re shopping for electronics, explosives or night vision goggles sold exclusively for Big Foot hunts.
As far as the orthodontist visit went… well… we are scheduled for the braces to go on the boy’s teeth in the middle of April. They took some molds today of his mouth, and then they said, “The next time we see you, you’ll be carrying the cost of a new car around on your teeth!”
The boy was incredibly thrilled about that, for sure. This is what he looked like on the way home:
(It didn’t involve sleeping at all.)
And I am completely recovered from being attacked by Shopping Joy Busters. I have my bottle of Happy perfume. Thing are smelling really grandly around here. We also have shorts. And swim trunks. And everything fits, and the boy’s knees are covered, so that he does not have to wear too-short shorts in PE any longer and be a walking fashion faux pas.
Sadly, we still have no gray rug for my living room or Chevron-striped throw pillows.
But we are a happy family, and I adore my boys. All three of them.
Y’all have a very merry Monday night, and may all your shopping with boys be done ONLINE, without them even being present in the room. Your soul will thank you, and you won’t feel like smacking your own head against a brick wall.