A Good Chai Will Only Take Sleep Deprivation So Far Before You Just Have To Go To Bed

Today is my mama’s birthday, and Thing 2 was so dadgum excited about the hopes of a celebration, he got up at 2:00 this morning.  Had he gone right back to sleep, this wouldn’t have been a problem.  Seeing as how he decided to party in his bedroom and ignore all manner of pleading and ugly begging on the parts of both of his parents UNTIL 5:30 (!!!!!) this morning, Hubs and I made the tough decision to put him in a wicker basket and leave him on the front steps of the local convent, for the nuns to find and raise.

And?  As a side note?  I don’t think Hubs’ heart has known such great joy as the happiness it found today when he woke Thing 2 up at 7:30.  Because, do you know what?  Thing 2 was TIRED.  He was the kind of exhausted tired that you only get by crawling on your belly in the southern swamps, hunting and wrestling alligators all night long.  What he wanted to do at 7:30 this morning was KEEP ON SLEEPING, because HELLO, R.E.M.

As you can imagine, it has been a four-chai-tea kind of day.  Don’t judge me.  The chai teas have kept me functioning through dirty diapers and PE classes and WHAT’S FOR DINNER?  Of course, they’ve also kept me in the bathroom most of the day, but it was a small price to pay in order to remain somewhat alert.

In other exciting news, my Samsung tablet has, out of the blue, decided to talk to me.  Let me tell you, it sort of freaked me out the first couple of times I heard it in the house, when it was just me and the toddler, because WHO SAID THAT?  Where did that voice come from?  And then I was all worried that the call was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE, and would I have time to get me and the baby and the hard drive with all of my photos on it OUT before the firestorm hit?

I think I’ve mentioned before that I never update any of my electronic devices.  It’s just too much effort to click the UPDATE ALL button.  Besides, when updates happen, things change.  Although some change is a good thing (I’m looking at you, Polyester Leisure Suit of decades gone by, and the changes that took you out of fashion!  I’m also looking at your cousin, the Striped Tube Sock, who went clear to your knees in gym class.), I always like to leave things on my phone and tablet AS IS.

It’s less confusing for me, because I never have to relearn how to load You Tube videos in the event of an emergency, which can be defined as a meltdown by the very bored toddler in the waiting room of the orthodontists’ office.

So Hubs updated my tablet.

And apparently ALL THE UPDATING came with this woman’s voice.  I’ve named her Edna, and I wouldn’t say that we’re exactly friends.

Now, every single time I get an email, a lady’s voice calls out to me in broken-up, stuttered English, “You… have… six… new… emails.”

The sad thing is, I cannot find a way to shut Edna off, and she’s determined to call out the arrival of my emails exactly like the town crier called out the arrival of Prince William and Kate’s baby boy, George.  She interrupts preschool, when we’re trying to watch Baby Einstein and study shapes and Roman architecture and protons and neutrons.  Edna shouts out during nap time, when the house is quiet, which usually makes me jump fourteen feet in the air and spill my chai tea.

It’s almost like having Joshua from War Games talking to me throughout the day.

“Hello, Professor.  You have four new emails.  Would you like to play a game?”

(Also?  If we can hop down a rabbit trail for a moment, I will just tell you that after seeing War Games when I was thirteen years old, I had pretty much decided that I was going to marry Matthew Broderick, and he was going to teach me how to use all of that advanced computer technology he had hooked up to his computer.  When I pretty much realized that Matthew was forever going to be nothing more to me than a page pulled out of my Tiger Beat magazine and pinned to my bedroom wall, I set my 7th grade sights on a boy from my Home Ec class.  I’m pretty sure he was taking it for the easy A, but he ended up flunking out of it.  That should have been my first sign that CUTE can only take you so far, before you finally graduate from high school and wind up in alcohol rehab four times in your adult life.  Thankfully, he never knew that I had resigned myself to marrying him while we were thirteen and learning to fry eggs under the tutelage of a very stern woman with a tight bun, who had devoted her entire life to teaching Home Economics, and wouldn’t pass any egg off that wasn’t sunny side up and flawless.)

Where were we?

I think I’m rambling, but I doubt that I even have to explain why.  I really have other things to write about, because SWIM LESSONS!  And PLAY GROUP!  And THE BOY’S SCIENCE FAIR JUDGING!  But what I don’t have right now is enough stamina to put real words with real pictures, because my chai teas have worn off.

So, if Thing 2 and Edna can both be quiet, I’m going to bed.

Happy Tuesday, y’all.  May you sleep peacefully, without finding a toddler sitting on the top of his changing table, turning his bedroom light on at 2 AM, or hear Edna’s cry of FOUR NEW JUNK EMAILS THAT YOU WILL JUST DELETE ANYWAY in the dead of the night.

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