I know.

Where on earth have I been?  Because I’m sure y’all had nothing better to do than police my blog and realize that I’ve neglected it for a few days here, and IS THAT A COBWEB DANGLING IN THE CORNER?

The truth is, we’ve been holed up at home, because Winter hates us.  We had a weekend of LET’S ADD ANOTHER EIGHT INCHES OF SNOW TO SMALL TOWN, USA, which caused Hubs to get the snow blower out and clear off the luge track driveway.  And then that was followed by HERE’S ANOTHER FOUR INCHES, BECAUSE YOUR DRIVEWAY WAS TOO CLEAN.  Which resulted in more snow removal.  And then the mercury put a down jacket on and said, “I’m not even going to climb up to the zero mark.  I’m settling in at MINUS FIFTEEN.”

And then my friend Missi left for Mexico, and posted pictures on Facebook of herself on the beach.  This was on the tails of my friend Carrie coming BACK from Mexico, where she posted pictures of herself lounging on the beach.  In the sun.  And the sunshine.  And all that warm air.  Not that I’m jealous at all, because that would be a sin, right?

So we did the best we could this weekend, which meant that we ran the fireplace to the point of exhaustion and drank copious amounts of chai tea.  Except Hubs doesn’t drink chai tea, because he doesn’t believe that it’s a manly drink.  He thinks chai tea is a cup of fluff and pink and glitter and unicorns, because WHERE ARE THE NINE SHOTS OF ESPRESSO, LIKE I TAKE IN MY CUP?


The honest truth is that I did TRY to put some blog posts up, but circumstances beyond my control were working against me.

On Thursday night (which seems like forever ago, now), I sat down at my desk, all prepared to beat the potatoes out of the keyboard and give you some kind of literary nonsense.  That’s when I realized that what I had before me was a screen and a mouse and nothing else.  As in, WHO STOLE MY KEYBOARD?!  Because, people, my keyboard was completely Missing In Action.  As it turned out, the boy had it, and he had connected it to his laptop, because WHY NOT?  I had no idea that keyboards were interchangeable like that; I thought that keyboards were a “one-size-fits-one-computer” type of deal.  I had no idea that you could swap them out at random in your house, nor did I realize that my 7th grader was fully aware of this and could, in fact, pull it off.

I’m pretty sure that technology left me behind when America switched from cassettes to CDs.

Then… last night… I tried to upload a video of Thing 2 dancing his heart out to Michael Jackson’s song, “Beat It,” because it was too cute not to share.  The boy introduced  Thing 2 to Michael, and now our toddler runs around screaming, “Michael!  Michael!  Michael!” at the top of his lungs.  The closest English translation that we can get to this is, “Stop what you’re doing, people, and play Michael Jackson at a decibel that shatters glass windows; I have a need to express myself through dance.”


… You Tube seems to be every bit as smart as my keyboard-stealing son, because it sent us a message that said, “The audio has been removed from your video due to copyright infringement.”


And then we were given every manner of alternative, generic, synthesizer-generated music to dub over our NOW SILENT video of Thing 2 dancing.

People, how does You Tube know what’s playing in the background?  And how am I infringing on copyright laws, when we paid a cold, hard $1.29 for that song on iTunes, and it was playing in the privacy of our own home?  Hubs took over the uploading of the video, even though the Colorado Avalanche were in the midst of the second period, and things were not going well at the Big Apple computer.

And by “not going well,” I mean that I just gave up, because MY WORD AT ALL THE TIME THIS IS TAKING.  My attention cannot handle great lengths of time where nothing HAPPENS.  Which is why I threw the blog under the bus and went to bed.

And really?  I do have a fantastic video of Thing 2 dancing like he’s dressed in tribal clothes at an inauguration into manhood dance around a blazing bonfire.  Except… you know... he’s dancing in the boy’s bedroom… across the hardwood floor… in just his Pampers.   However, I can only offer it to you in the form of a silent film from decades gone by… or I can dub some other crazy music over the top of it.  Either way, it loses something, so Hubs and I will keep working on it.


Oh.  And I do have to report that it was forty entire degrees outside today, which was FANTASTIC.  I have a friend who lives DOWN SOUTH, and she complained about how it was forty degrees in their hometown this weekend, and they nearly froze to death watching their children play in an outdoor soccer tournament, and how on earth do people function when it’s forty degrees outside?!  I didn’t have the heart to say, “Um… when it’s forty degrees outside in Small Town, USA… all the kids at the local elementary school take their coats off at recess, dump them in a giant pile of discarded clothing, and wear their T-shirts while they build snowmen on the playground.”  And… while I was out running errands today… I actually threw my own jacket into the passenger seat beside me, because HEAT WAVE!

Those poor people DOWN SOUTH.

MINUS FIFTEEN would result in an entire civilization dying off down there.


With any luck at all, Jedi Mama, Incorporated will be up and running under something of a more normal schedule this week, providing that no one steals my keyboard.

Y’all have a happy Monday night.

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