I know I’m getting older.
Part of the reason that I know this is because I’m usually in bed before 8:15 every single night of the week. Every single night seems to imply that Friday and Saturday evenings are involved in this, too, and you should know that’s the solid truth. It’s because the elderly cannot run with the toddlers and stay up for Saturday Night Live, too.
Also… I now eat Brussels sprouts, which seems like something only old people do. I remember when my mom would cook them while we were growing up. The stench in the house from simmering Brussels sprouts caused me to worry that my Shaker sweaters would never smell the same again, which is why I sprayed them with an extra six shots of Love’s Baby Soft. I couldn’t even look at one of those itty-bitty cabbage heads without shuddering when I was younger, and now… well… I can eat an entire plate of them, which seems appropriate for people to do at lunch, right before they head off for their shuffleboard tournament.
I also have THIS product in my bathroom cabinet:
Granted, I don’t use it for what it’s NORMALLY USED FOR, because (Thank you, Jesus!) I don’t have THAT problem. But I have bags beneath my eyes that seem to hang to my chin these days, and this little product will tighten them up faster than you can say, “Botox.” I dare you to try it and say it didn’t work for you; your pants might actually catch on fire for not telling the truth. A little of this ointment beneath your eyes, and you’ll no longer look like Betty White, as you return to having the face of Taylor Swift.
(I can’t say the actual NAME of this product on my blog, because I don’t want to be flooded with visitors who found Jedi Mama by Googling various treatment options for THE BIG PROBLEM THAT THIS TUBE OF CREAM WAS INVENTED FOR.)
(Can you imagine?!)
And then I know that I’m old, because I finally took my doctor’s advice this weekend.
About a year ago, I went to see our friend, Sam. Sam is an eye doctor. He spends a good portion of his day looking at optic nerves and checking for glaucoma and asking you, “Is it clearer on the right? Or the left? Red? Or green? Can you see better with one? Or two? One? Or two?” Last year, I told Sam, “Sometimes I can’t see up close with EITHER one or two. Oh, I’m seeing FAR AWAY good enough, but when I sit down to read… I need to hold my book out as far as my arms will stretch. And then, if the lighting is bad, I may as well be holding a book written in ancient Chinese, for all the words I’m going to be able to read.”
And that is precisely when Sam said, “I want you to go on down to the pharmacy at Walmart and pick up a cheap pair of reading glasses to wear…”
He might just as well have said to me, “And while you’re at it, get a polyester leisure suit in deep purple, a sweatshirt with a cat the size of a watermelon embroidered on the front of it, and a chain with beads to dangle your new readers around your neck from.”
If you’re going to make a fashion statement, by all means… go huge or go home. And then maybe you might want to make a lime Jell-O salad in your fish-shaped mold to go with the Salisbury steak and Brussels sprouts you’re simmering for dinner.
I just went home and skipped the Walmart pharmacy, because listen: I was too young for reading glasses.
Until this weekend.
After a year of holding my arms out and moving beneath a naked light bulb at 100 watts, I finally admitted to myself that it might be kind of fun to read again in a comfortable position… primarily a position that didn’t involve me standing up with my book extended beneath a lamp.
That is how a pair of $9 reader glasses with rhinestones has come into my life.
And the angel of the Lord declared, “And she shall read again. She shall be able to see the instructions on the back of the Hamburger Helper box, and she shall know what kind of gibberish answers she’s writing down in her Beth Moore Bible study workbook.”
And all the people said, “Amen.”
In other news, this is the very last day that Hubs and I will have a one-year-old in our house.
I’m probably going to need my new readers to go through old photos and have a good ugly cry. How on earth can our baby be TWO ALREADY?!
Y’all have a merry Tuesday.