I just have a few things for you tonight, so I’m going to pitch them out in a numbered list.
Numbered lists make my soul happy, because OCD, ANYONE?
1. I think that I MAY have gotten about three hours’ worth of sleep last night.
The boy went to a birthday party which involved an outdoor movie and the kind of healthy BBQ fixings and snacks that make a mother like me hang her head in pure shame at my total negligence in this Life Area. I don’t think any trans-fats or chemicals of any kind were made in the preparation of this meal, when I seem to think no party buffet is complete without a bag of fluorescent orange Cheet-O’s and Hawaiian punch-flavored drink mixes, that are supercharged with artificial dyes and that glow in the dark from their toxicity. The boy got home a little after midnight last night, because he’s fourteen and seems to think he’s ready for the college lifestyle. (It’s also because we adore the family who hosted the outdoor movie birthday party, and trust them completely with our son.) I stayed up, waiting for him, because DFS would have raised an eyebrow at us, had BOTH of our fourteen-year-old’s parents been passed out cold with ALL THE SLEEP when he was dropped off.
This is the point in my life when I would like to crawl into a DeLorean time machine, set it for 1989, and tell my younger parents, “You know what? I don’t think I’ll stay out late tonight. I think I’ll actually be home around 8:00, so y’all can just go to bed early, like elderly people enjoy doing. I don’t want to keep you up too much longer after Wheel of Fortune wraps up, waiting for me to come home.”
Because trying to stay up and wait for your teenager to walk through the front door? IT’S EXHAUSTING, PEOPLE! I haven’t deliberately stayed up until midnight since Prom.
Twenty-six seconds after the boy walked into our house, I was sound asleep on our sofa.
I woke up at 1:00 this morning, and migrated to my bed.
I woke up at 1:45 this morning, because Hubs was in our bathroom, rummaging around for Excedrin to fight a migraine off. He was exactly as quiet as a drunken circus monkey, who was enthusiastically clapping his brass symbols together and singing an off-key rendition of “I’ve Got Friends In Low Places.”
I went back to the sofa at 2:00.
I woke up at 3:00, because Thing 2 opened his bedroom door and hollered out, “Hey, Mommy? What are you doin’?”
“It’s called SLEEPING, son. It’s what normal people try to do when it’s dark outside.”
I tucked the toddler back into his bed and listened to him sing songs to himself until 4:00 this morning, which is when I finally fell asleep.
And then I woke up at 5:15… for the day… because OF COURSE I DID, seeing as how Thing 2 slept until 7:00, after his middle-of-the-night partying.
2. I went out to dinner last night with the best batch of girls. We all left our husbands and our children behind, and we sat down at a table decorated with fresh-cut flowers, candles, and real linen napkins that are washed in a Whirlpool, instead of being thrown into the garbage can, like everyone does at Burger King. We laughed our heads off, until we couldn’t breathe. We talked about what a crack-shot Melanie would be with a shotgun. We sympathized with Katie, as we learned that her husband decided to “eat better” last week, and he dropped ten pounds in seven days, because NO ESTROGEN TO GET IN THE WAY, and WHY DID GOD MAKE THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPEN?
I ordered an $11 chicken curry salad with coconut curry dressing, on the side.
I’ve never been more thankful for the words ON THE SIDE before in my life, because do you know what I learned last night? Coconut curry dressing tastes like lies and sin and death. I know, deep in my heart, that I’m a real princess, and that I probably SHOULD enjoy gourmet food, like fancy salad dressings made from island coconuts, but listen: I ended up asking for a tin cup full of Ranch, and BLESS MY HEART. I thoroughly enjoyed my dinner after that.
Except then I tasted Heather’s meal, because she ordered something called Potato Gnocchi, which I can’t even pronounce correctly. The sample from Heather’s plate made me want to carry my own salad back to the kitchen and say, “I’d really rather have what Heather’s having.”
Afterward, I ordered the Salted Caramel Vanilla Cake, and listen, y’all: I wanted to bury my face in that cake and marry it. It was THAT GOOD.
3. The other night, Hubs and the boy went out with our friend Sam and his daughter, M, so that they could all fly radio-controlled airplanes together. It was the Witching Hour, which is that hour before bedtime, when the toddler is restless and cranky and whiny, so I stayed behind, with enormous plans to put him in bed early.
I sent my camera with Hubs, and said, “Please snap some pictures tonight.”
Hubs took THREE pictures.
As in, one… two… three… all done.
I take thirty pictures, just to WARM MY CAMERA UP, before the real picture-taking begins. The last time I took just three photos at any event was when 35 mm film was involved.
Also, y’all should totally check out M’s blog. She’s a 6th grader (A SIXTH GRADER!!!), who has her own blog, because… well… she’s a rockstar when it comes to writing and telling stories. Her blog can be found BY CLICKING RIGHT HERE.
4. Do you know how there are homeless people who live in their cars?
My Suburban has reached that level of cleanliness.
And that’s going to about do it for tonight. Y’all get some sleep and enjoy your weekend.