I just have a few things tonight, because TUESDAY. And my Tuesdays and Wednesdays lay me flat with ALL THE BUSY, from early morning to late night. I can barely summon the strength to order a pizza over the phone on Tuesday nights, after back-to-back PE classes all day and soccer practice and DID ANYONE PAY THE UTILITY BILL THIS MONTH and WE’RE TOTALLY OUT OF CLEAN SOCKS… AGAIN, let alone dream up something noteworthy to blog about.
1. I have a statistics analyzer on my blog, which simply shows me WHAT COUNTRY viewers come from. I can’t narrow it down any more than that. So… if you pop in from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, all I will know is that another hit from the United States happened. And if you click on my blog from Irricana, clear up in Alberta, I’ll be told that somebody from Canada stopped by, and nothing more. It’s because I’ve been too cheap to invest in a decent statistics counter, and I really don’t care WHERE people come from. Knowing that I have a US visitor is fine, instead of knowing that I have a visitor straight from Napa Valley.
BUT… what I CAN TELL from this cheap and generic counter is WHAT PHRASES folks type into the Google and end up here with.
Last night, someone came to Jedi Mama, Inc. by firing up their Google and typing in VERY SMART COMPUTER PEOPLES.
(Because apparently people wasn’t plural enough, so they added the S, right there on the end.)
Dear New Visitor, you might be in the wrong place, if you were hoping that the CEO here was involved in a group of very smart computer peoples. On Sunday, I needed to burn a folder of pictures onto a DVD. Instead of throwing my arms up in the air in utter defeat, I simply said to Hubs, “Can you do it?” And this works out well, because he knows that if there is any hope of having clean socks around here, I will be the one to make it happen. It’s a nice little system of trade that he and I have worked out over the years. He handles everything on the computer that is more difficult than buying a shirt at Nordstroms online, and I know how to separate the reds out of the white load, so that we don’t end up with a feminine shade of pink. I am not… as you call it… a very smart computer peoples.
Dear Hubs, someone is looking for you out there. Although… should they have typed in two veries first? As in VERY, VERY SMART COMPUTER PEOPLES??? I feel like just one very implies that they’re simply looking for an Apple Genius and not a fellow of your I CAN BUILD AN ENTIRE MOTHERBOARD WITH A TWISTY BREAD TIE AND A PIECE OF CARDBOARD capabilities.
2. Someone else found my blog this week by typing in EASY, REDNECK MENU FOR THE 4TH OF JULY. I don’t know why, but that suddenly makes me think of Turtle Man, eating a grilled hot dog. But, in all honesty, this topic may be one I can cover, because I always find that a twelve-pack of soft shell tacos from Taco Bell will be appreciated on ALMOST ANY holiday potluck table. As in, “Gather around, children, because who wants that green bean casserole with the crispy onions on the top, when you can have these delicious Taco Bell tacos! And LOOK! There are twelve of them!!” What I am just flat-out amazed at is this person’s early jump on meal planning for next July! I’ve never been able to be that organized, because I usually just order the tacos through the drive-up window at the last possible second, right after Hubs has announced, “Why are we the family who never cooks anything from scratch for potluck dinners?”
3. I have a twenty-minute window of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING between my kindergarten PE class and my 1st grade PE class. Today, what with the weather being a balmy 54 degrees, with nothing but dark, cloudy skies and wind and the hint of BUTTON UP AND PUT THE PLASTIC ON THE KIDS’ BEDROOM WINDOWS, BECAUSE WINTER IS A-COMIN’ in the air, I decided that a chai tea from Starbucks was what I needed. I looked at the clock, and realized that my 1st graders would be in the gym in seventeen minutes, and I was determined that I could make it. So… I drove like a blue-ribbon sprint car driver halfway across town, pulled into Starbucks, and announced, “I’d like a grande, no-water, extra-hot, Oprah chai latte, please. And thank you.” And then Starbucks — bless their hearts — decided to operate with snails in the drive-up window today, so I began to watch the clock in my Suburban and think, “Oh, dear. This might turn out badly, if we don’t get a move on things.” And then, the alignment of the planets was on my side, because I got back to the school with precisely four minutes to spare.
I’d managed to take approximately six nice sips of my Oprah chai, before I had to set it on the bottom step of the bleachers, to explain how we would be working on CATCHING THE BEAN BAGS with my six- and seven-year-olds. I fielded questions about the merits of catching with one hand versus catching with two hands, told someone else that YES, I THINK A TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA COSTUME WILL BE PERFECT FOR YOU FOR HALLOWEEN, and then we got started.
Three seconds later, a bean bag thrown at Mach 5 flew across the gym…
… and hit my ALMOST FULL TO THE BRIM YET chai latte in the side.
She went down, folks.
My chai tea went down. The lid flipped off. And I felt like I was running toward it, trying to save my cup of liquid gold, as I yelled the word “NOOOOOOOO” in slow motion, with my face all distorted and ugly, and my mouth scrunched up and wide open in horror.
Exactly like THIS.
And then the little culprit looked at me, as chai tea flooded the bottom seat of the bleachers and dripped to the floor, and…
… he laughed.
He laughed and he said, “Hardy-har-har-har!! WAS THAT YOUR COFFEE????!!!!!”
And I laughed and said, “Hardy-har-har-har!!!! IS THAT AN F YOU’RE GETTING ON YOUR REPORT CARD???? IN GYM CLASS???!!!!!”
I’m sure… with therapy… I’ll get over this.
And the story does have a somewhat happy ending, because that little chai-spilling first grader helped me fly through almost an entire roll of paper towels in the cleanup process, and then he said, “My mom always says that coffee is real important to grownups. I’m sorry I accidentally spilled this.”
I’m giving him a C- in PE now, because his apology was very heartfelt.
4. Our house has become an utter Petri Dish of flourishing bacteria, as Thing 2 debuted the first cold of the season, in all it’s FULL-ON, SNOT-ALL-OVER-THE-PLACE GLORY this morning. We have snot, times sixteen thousand, pouring all over, which is so nice, when it’s happening to a toddler. Ultimately, this means that we have snot spills on the sofas, the dining room table, the floor, the sides of the bathtub, the beds, the desk, all the toys, and every book we’ve read in the past twenty-four hours. I may need the cleanup crew from Monsters, Inc. to come by and sanitize things.
When Thing 2 got up this morning, he tearfully said, “Mommy? I sick. I sick. Nose yucky.” I scooped him up and rocked him, despite the fact that he sneezed in my face eight times in a row.
I’m sure I’ll be announcing my Black Plague arriving within the next three days.
And that, people, is going to do it for tonight.
Y’all carry on… try to avoid the cold germs that are circulating out there… never, EVER set your precious chai tea down in a 1st grade PE class… and get some sleep.