My Home Was Not Selected For The Tour

I’m sure you’ll be very happy to know that I didn’t deal with a single comet-like booger today.  In fact, my need for Emergency Sanitation Measures was pretty much nonexistent today, even though I taught PE for what seemed like a hundred and six hours.  The closest I came to needing a Germ-X shower was when one of my 4th graders took a volleyball to the nose, and SORT OF ended up with some blood.  It was all very minor… nothing to write home about... and because he was a big 4th grader with loads of experience in walking to the bathroom alone, I simply said, “Run to the bathroom and get a paper towel.  You just have a few drops going on here.”

We didn’t even need to employ the basic knowledge that we all learn in our yearly Bloodborne Pathogens video.  A simple wet towel to the nose cleaned up the itty-bitty mess, and I called it a successful day.

And then… one of my kindergarten girls was telling me about her dog at home, who is supposedly older than her grandmother.  I’m not sure I believed that part, because of that little thing called LIFE EXPECTANCY OF A HOUND.  I ended up asking her what her dog’s name was, and she said, “His name is Cocoa, even though he’s not brown.  Cocoa is a completely white dog, and that is total IRONY!”

Um… yeah.  I hope your jaw just dropped like mine did when you put KINDERGARTNER together with SHE JUST USED THE WORD IRONY APPROPRIATELY IN A SENTENCE.  I had to ask her how on earth she knew that word, and she said, “My dad always says that’s why Cocoa’s name is funny; because it’s irony, because Cocoa makes you think about brown dogs, but our dog is just pure white, so it’s kind of backwards.”

Yep.  She nailed it.


It’s on days like this… when nothing interesting happens, beyond kindergarten girls giving me the full definition of big words… that I struggle the most to come up with something to write about for the blog, so today I will leave you with a little eye-candy treat.

Apparently, there are real home bloggers, who make oodles of dollars at blogging (as compared to me, because I make exactly zero-point-zero dollars), and they have all dolled their homes up with tremendously wonderful fall decor, which they have shared online.  Normally, I would never have the time to actually sit long enough in front of my computer to scroll through all the decorating posts on all the different blogs, but yesterday, Thing 2 watched Donald Duck on the iPad with a bowl of popcorn, and he didn’t move for twenty-five entire minutes.

Twenty-five minutes, y’all.  And they were minutes that were all lined up in a row!!

I think it was a new record for us.

And while he did that… while I should have been cleaning up a spill or folding a load of laundry or scrubbing up hairspray fallout off of my bathroom sink… I simply sat before the computer and gazed at some amazing houses.

I could never enter our home in one of these online home tours, because ain’t nobody got time to waste looking at poorly-lit photos of our living room with fourteen hundred Matchbox cars scattered across the floor and seven single socks laying around.  Nor does anyone want to see the syrup puddle from four days ago on my kitchen counter that has obviously become a permanent, gelatinous fixture here at the Jedi Manor.  And then there are the boys’ bedrooms, which look exactly like the horrible photos online, following a devastating tornado, and my own master bathroom, which has so many long, brown hairs on the floor, it resembles a beauty parlor.

(Hubs keeps asking me, “How are you not bald, with all the hair you lose every week?”)

(By the grace of Jesus, Hubs.)


I’m ready to pack my bags and move right into a couple of these houses, especially (MOST!!! ESPECIALLY!!!) the tour from The Inspired Room blog, which I secretly stalk on a weekly basis, because I love her floors and her kitchen more than I love grande, no-water, Oprah chai tea lattes from Starbucks.  Seriously, I adore the house at The Inspired Room!

But then I realized that what I love MOST about her floors and her kitchen…

… is just that they’re CLEAN.  There are no cats at The Inspired Room to hack up a hairball on the hardwood floors.  (There are dogs living at The Inspired Room, but they are very mannerly and more than likely have royal hounds in their bloodlines, and they would never dream of causing a mess on the polished floors.  I’m sure that those big hounds ask for slippers when they come in, so they don’t track specks of ANYTHING across the immaculate hardwood.  I wish they could give our two cats behavior lessons.)  No one has spilled juice over there at that blog, either.  No one has dropped an entire bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal into a full tub of bathwater (I promise; that really and truly and Scout’s honor happened at our home this weekend!).  The beds are made.  No one has left the Ritz cracker box out on the counter.  (Which, of course, would be smack-dab EMPTY, because the Ritz crackers would already have been smashed to dust by a toddler on the floor.)  There are no tall towers of junk mail and paper that are stretched into the heavens from the cabinet in the dining room.  I’m sure that even her garbage has all been hauled out, and that her garbage bucket sings with good health and cleanliness, and her kitchen junk drawer probably doesn’t need prayed over if there is to be any hope of getting it closed again, once it’s been opened.


You can click RIGHT HERE to start that online tour of beautifully decorated homes.  There’s lots of photos from the first home, and then, at the end of the blog post, you’ll find the OTHER homes (including The Inspired Room) to click on.

Personally, I think we should start an online tour of homes lived in by energetic toddlers and tired mothers, so that we FEEL BETTER ABOUT OURSELVES!  We can say, “Oh, look!  These snapshots of Jane’s bathroom show MILDEW in the toilet!”  And then we can say, “Oh, look!  Jedi Mama has a snack cup of mandarin oranges in light syrup that fell out of the pantry (OR WAS IT PUSHED TO ITS DEATH BY A TODDLER??), and she never bothered to USE REAL SOAP AND WATER to mop it up, so there’s now Saltine cracker dust stuck in it, and it all looks like a sand trap at a golf course.”  And, suddenly, the fact that we have mildew in our own toilets and questionable spots on our kitchen floor won’t make us feel like an isolated island of slovenliness.

Y’all have a good Tuesday night.


1 thought on “My Home Was Not Selected For The Tour

  1. Ok, now that I know you I have to comment!
    My house would win the blue ribbon on that home tour of real life homes with destructo 2 year old boys! Although we are gluten free here so less cracker mess! Not sure if the trade off is worth it…

    Hey, ya want to meet up for an Oprah Chai Latte this week? Meet you half way… Our boys can run and they will beat us in our cars!

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