I didn’t post anything last night here at Jedi Mama, Incorporated, because we were all still extremely busy celebrating Columbus Day with a giant, smoked turkey… stuffing… an enormous ship pinata… and a cake shaped just like the Pinta.
We’re the family who didn’t even bake a cupcake in honor of Christopher Columbus, so we were probably just busily wrapped up in THIS HAS BEEN A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY and LOOK! NOW WE HAVE SOCCER PRACTICE! and MAMA IS OFF TO BIBLE STUDY and WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘YOU HAVEN’T STARTED THE HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT THAT IS DUE IN THE MORNING, THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU TEN DAYS AGO’?”
Yes. We are THAT family.
So I’ll just throw some random things at you tonight. I apologize ahead of time for the fact that this post will probably contain more typos than usual, and max itself out on run-on sentences.
1. My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day happened in PE yesterday, because? Do you remember the little fellow who fell on his face last week and popped one of his bottom teeth through his upper lip, and WHOA, BLOOD!!?
That VERY SAME BOY was running full speed yesterday morning, and he collided with another boy. And this time, he ripped his bottom lip open and knocked his two front teeth pretty much OUT. So much OUT, in fact, he had surgery last night at 5:30 to splint his front teeth together in an effort to keep them in his mouth forever and ever, amen, because they’re his permanent teeth.
And the second boy? Well, he has a perfect impression of the first boy’s teeth in his forehead. We could use that forehead as forensics evidence, because HELLO, PRECISE DENTAL RECORD OF THE UPPER TEETH FROM THAT KID WHO’S BLEEDING PROFUSELY FROM THE MOUTH OVER THERE.
And? Do you know how much blood we had yesterday? Enough to make the TOOTH THROUGH THE LIP incident from last week look as harmless as a mosquito bite. Yesterday’s blood bath might have left folks wondering if a backstreet butcher shop was being run in my gymnasium.
AND MY PE CLASS ISN’T NORMALLY LIKE THIS, PEOPLE!! This is my nineteenth year of teaching, because I’m as old as Christopher Columbus himself, and this is only the fourth time we’ve had to send someone to the doctor… and 50% of my “HE’S GONNA NEED TO SEE SOMEONE ABOUT THAT” times has been with THIS KID, IN THE PAST SEVEN DAYS!!
2. We have owls. Well, we don’t keep them as PETS, because this isn’t Hogwarts, and because I know what they eat and puke back up. No, thanks. I currently have an entire bag of microwave popcorn scattered all over my home office floor, because Thing 2 did it; I don’t need owl pellets added to the mess I’m going to be sweeping up in four more minutes. Outside, in our trees, when it gets really dark, a family of owls comes out and starts hooting. They are nothing but obnoxious. Hubs is rather fond of their nighttime conversations, but I’m pretty sure I could strangle their leader barehanded at 1:30 in the morning. There are three of them. Not that I can actually SEE THEM to COUNT THEM, but I can HEAR THEM. And I can distinctly hear three separate owl voices. They chat with one another.
They chat all night long.
They chat about I JUST HAD FOURTEEN CUPS OF ESPRESSO, AND I’M A LITTLE WIRED RIGHT NOW, SO I MAY JUST HOOT STRAIGHT THROUGH UNTIL TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
They drive me nuts, because I can’t sleep.
They were in full-force, owl-hooting glory last night, and let me tell you: They kind of creep me out in the darkest part of the night. They’re worse than the far-off howling of coyotes, because they are RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW, and I want them and their enormous yellow eyeballs to just go away.
I have had just over four hours’ worth of sleep, because of those owls.
Tonight, I’ll be throwing pop cans off of my deck, in my pajamas, at 1:00 in the morning, trying to topple one off his branch. I’ve got fairly good aim, so I feel like it’ll be as easy as those rigged carnival games.
Who knows? I may win Hubs a giant, stuffed owl.
3. I bought a chai tea at Starbucks on my way to work this morning, because I hate, loathe and also despise the new chai K-cups that I bought last week at the grocery store.
(This just confirms that Jesus always intended us to buy our chai directly from the Starbucks source.)
I know the dangers of hot drinks — that they can be… well… EXTREMELY HOT. In my excitement to get my hands on that thing this morning, I gulped a giant drink before I was even out of Starbucks’ parking lot, which is when I realized HOLY MOTHER OF COLOMBIAN COFFEE PICKERS!!! HOT LAVA!!! HOT!!!! LAVA!!!! I couldn’t swallow it, because it was like taking a bite out of the sun, so, without even understanding what I was really doing, I just spit it out all over myself.
I have third-degree burns on my chin now.
I had a little issue of DID YOU SPILL YOUR COFFEE ON THE FRONT OF YOUR SHIRT when I got to work. I simply replied, “Nope. I spit that out on myself, thank you very much.”
And THAT, people, is all that I have for you tonight. I have taught PE all day (and we had absolutely ZERO BLOOD SPILLS!!). I made a pot of homemade soup, clear from the scratch and practically cut my left index finger off with our new chopping knife after I got home. (Yes. We got new kitchen knives. It’s because we had no idea that what we were doing with our old knives wasn’t actually called CUTTING; it was called SAWING. These new knives are WICKED DING SHARP, and I have nine fingers now to prove it.) Then I loaded both boys up into the Suburban, and we went out to the church for youth group, where I played games with all the little kids. (Apparently the church hasn’t gotten word yet that we have major mouth injuries in my PE class, and maybe I’m an INSURANCE RISK for youth group night now.) And I’ve had four hours’ worth of sleep, because OWLS!! OWLS EVERYWHERE!! Annnnddddd… I have an entire bag of microwave popcorn to sweep up off my hardwood floor now.
So I’m off to bed.