Products For Late-Night Infomercials


Thing 2’s level of snot continued to be something that could fill a fifty-gallon barrel last night, and that led to I CAN’T BREATHE WHEN I LIE DOWN, SO LET  ME COUGH MY HEAD OFF.


Which meant that I sat in the rocking chair most of the night, holding my toddler upright so that he could breathe, because that’s why God created mothers.   Somehow, dads got out of all the middle-of-the-night-tending-to-sickies, but they’re the ones who have to spend all that money on diamond engagement rings, so I guess we’re even and it’s okay if they SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP.

I finally had Thing 2 resting comfortably around 1:00 this morning, which is the exact time that the insomnia struck like a thundering lightning bolt.  By 2:00, I was up in the kitchen, making hot milk.  Now… that was a first for me.  I can’t remember a single time in the entirety of my elderly life that I EVER made something to eat or drink in the midnight hours, unless you count bottles of formula for newborns.

I sat with my mug of piping-hot milk and my Bible for half an hour, hoping that I’d just develop a case of LET’S FALL ASLEEP ALREADY.  It didn’t work.  So I played some Scrabble games against the computer on my iPhone for another thirty minutes.  This is what I learned there:  I’m smart enough to beat the EASY computer opponents… the MEDIUM computer opponents… and SOME of the HARD computer opponents.  However, the GENIUS fellow kicked my but six times in a row and made my anger flare up, which negated the sedative affects of the hot milk and caused me to holler IN ME HEAD, so as not to wake anyone else up, “I quit!!”

By 3:30, I’d pretty much had it, and that is the very last time I looked at the clock.  I think I must’ve been out cold by 3:31… and Thing 2 was up at 5:00, because NEITHER A FULL NIGHT’S REST NOR STAYING AWAKE HALF THE NIGHT COUGHING will keep him from witnessing a sunrise in all its gorgeous glory.

I am also happy to report that the snot levels today seemed to decrease substantially.

But… if they hadn’t… one of my friends recommended that I try THIS little dandy of a household gadget:

tumblr_nc4gezq6gD1tm081co1_500Now… don’t go thinking that I took this photograph, or that I even know that cute baby personally.  This is a stock photograph off of some company’s website, which means I’m probably breaking forty-eleven copyright laws by using it here, at Jedi Mama, Inc.  I’m not sure if copyright infringement means that I’ll get my own cell and a good book at the local jail or not.

But this is what I have to say about this:

1.  WHAT BABY sits calmly with the MOTHER-POWERED BOOGER SUCKER in her nose?  Because I can tell you right now, Thing 2 would thrash with that thing like a bull with his back leg caught in a bear trap, and who could blame him?  He’d swing his head like a dangerous bowling ball, and I’d need to be playing my Varsity Dodge-It Team in order to escape black eyes.

2.  I cannot imagine having nothing but a clear, plastic tube separating me from forty-six gallons of snot from someone else.

3.  This might be worse than that time we had to clean our fish tank, which had accumulated so much algae, it looked like a stagnant, nuclear waste pond, and Hubs informed me that it would be ME who got to START the HOSE OF SUCTION.  (For the record, it wasn’t me, because I can cry on demand, and there was no way I was going to get the draining of THAT PARTICULAR FISH TANK’S WATER started.)

4.  Once the snot drainage is started… can you just hold the hose in the DOWN position and expect gravity to take over and drain the sinuses completely?  Because I saw that on TV once, where the characters were siphoning gas out of a Gremlin.

5.  With the amount of snot that Thing 2 was sporting this week, we probably would have needed the battery-operated booger sucker, instead of the mother-powered version, even though it probably costs three easy payments of $39.99 MORE for the double-A’s.  There are some sinuses that need the invention of technology and Duracell in order to be sufficiently excavated.

6.  This seems like the type of product that would be sold on a late-night infomercial, for people with insomnia and mugs of hot milk at 2 am.  These are probably the same people who need dictionaries to understand the word that the GENIUS OPPONENT is playing on them in iPhone Scrabble.

I think that’s all the thoughts that I had on this booger-removal system tonight.  I’m sure that if I’d seen this on a day when I’d had more than ninety minutes of sleep, I could have written an entire novel about it, but right now, all I can think of is the fact that I have clean, crisp, all-cotton sheets on my bed, and it’s looking better than any five-star hotel that caters to the celebrity set at the moment.

In other news, I took Thing 2 with me to Walmart this afternoon, because I had to secure a full cart of food staples; we were out of Cocoa Pebbles and laundry detergent, and everything in between.  I don’t know if any of y’all have ever played the Donkey Kong video game, but I’m here to tell you that my baby grabbed stuff off the aisle shelves and threw them faster than that digital gorilla could throw barrels.

It was all very relaxing.

He knocked six boxes of Frosted Mini Wheats off the shelf with one blow, and somehow, we ended up with two boxes of Hot Tamales candy in our cart at the cash register, which I had no clue we’d actually added to our loot.  I had to tell the cashier, “Um, we don’t want those.  They were an accidental addition, thanks to the toddler.”  This makes me feel badly, because I know some underpaid stockboy, who works all night long, is going to have to put those back on the shelves in the candy aisle tonight.  And then, Thing 2 heard the song “Let It Go,” from the Frozen movie, over the speakers, and he belted the lyrics out at the top of his lungs, singing right along with the song.  He even stretched his arms out wide, exactly like Elsa does in the movie, and sang like he was on stage for an opera performance.

It was actually the cutest thing of EVER!

And THAT is going to do it for this evening, folks.

We’re all planning on sleeping well tonight, because I think we’ve decreased the snot enough to cease the coughing, and we didn’t even need one of those mother-powered booger suckers.

We just let Jesus do His work and nature take her course, along with some essential oils that Thing 2’s neurotic mama slathered him with.

Happy Monday!

1 thought on “Products For Late-Night Infomercials

  1. Are you kidding me? That poor little baby is zoned out by her Mom sharing her “crack pipe” with her!! Look at the size of that baby’s pupils. Somebody call 911…Oh wait, maybe THAT Mother has been awake since 4am with her little snot-filled baby. Nevermind…she earned a couple of drags, didn’t she?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *