Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a blog. She was a faithful little blogger, because she’d eaten an apple sold by a shady-looking peddler with a crooked smile that was laced with OCD. The OCD made her do things, like lie in bed at night and wonder DID I SHUT THE OVEN OFF AFTER I BAKED THOSE CORN DOGS FOR DINNER? It also made her think that she had to put a blog post up every single weeknight, because that’s how she started doing things, and she was never one to break tradition.
And then real life happened, because the Handsome Prince said things like, “I’ve HEARD you say that you have to go to the grocery store sixty-two times, but I’ll believe it when I see it happen.” And then the children did things, too. They left the lid off the toothpaste on their bathroom sink, and somehow the toothpaste managed to get out of the tube, because TODDLER IN THE HOUSE, and then the Royal Cat stepped in it, and that is why there was once toothpaste on the hardwood floors, shaped like tiny cougar footprints. And then the children had meltdowns, because WALLYKAZAM IS OVER! WALLYKAZAM IS OVER! I WANT WALLYKAZAM!!!!
That’s when the girl with the blog decided to breathe in slowly through her nose (But she never HELD the breath for seven seconds, because she’s pretty sure that method of deep breathing has killed folks before.), and she said, “Who’s the boss at Jedi Mama, Incorporated, anyway? Who brings the seven-layer dip and the tortilla chips to the annual Jedi Mama Christmas party?” And that’s when she realized that it must be her, because she was the only one who was actually EMPLOYED by JM, Inc., unless you count the IT guy who is famous for rolling his eyes into the back of his skull when she would say things like, “Tonight’s blog post vaporized like the steam from the witch’s cauldron.”
(It should be noted that the eye-rolling IT guy looked an awful lot like the Handsome Prince, but it might have been the way the disco ball was turning at the time and distorting the light.)
And then, after she realized that YES! I AM THE BOSS AROUND HERE!, she had one of those weeks, where emotions ran high and things didn’t go as she wanted them to go, and basically she wanted to crawl beneath the covers on her bed and not get up until Groundhog Day. And that is precisely when she decided to play the Boss Card and say, “I’m taking a vacation.”
She really wanted to take a vacation to the sand and the water, where there was no trace of snow or frigid temperatures, and she wanted to order a drink with an umbrella in it and read a People magazine in the sunshine. Then she looked at her checking account and remembered that she had married the Handsome Prince for LOOKS and not for his gold.
So she simply stayed at home, but she didn’t blog. She watched some HGTV and wondered about installing subway tiles in her kitchen. And then she watched some more HGTV and wondered about hanging sliding barn doors somewhere in her house. And then the Handsome Prince shut HGTV off for her, because all he saw was himself being solicited as a home-improvement contractor, and he had no desire to lay on that grenade ever again.
Like… EVER again.
And then, like it always does, the weekend came. It quit snowing and the sun came out, and the girl with the blog even ventured outside with nothing more than her sweater on, and that’s when she realized that MAYBE SPRING WILL COME AGAIN. Because really? She is horrendously sick of the winter living.
Thankfully, Starbucks is just down the hill from the Jedi Manor, so she has a place to warm her soul, for $4.89.
And that is when the girl with the blog decided that maybe she’d taken enough time off from posting, and JUST MAYBE she could start writing some nonsense again, for her three faithful readers.
And then she and the Handsome Prince lived happily ever after, just without some really great subway tile acting as a backsplash in their royal kitchen.
(Don’t worry. The Handsome Prince isn’t interested in installing subway tiles, so she’s going to ask the cute IT guy who helps her with all her computer-related issues… of which she tends to have many.)