The Cough Heard ‘Round The World

The conclusion to last week’s cliffhanger, of the Black Plague having resurrected itself in our home once again, is this:  I ended up so sick, all I could do was sit there and do the Ugly Cry.  Somehow, that seems like it could be a scene in a good John Hughes movie from the ’80s, but it’s the honest truth.

The chest cold moved into my face with the gentleness of a ninja warrior on crack withdrawals.  My sinuses throbbed, my head throbbed, and the glands in the back of my neck felt like they’d been crushed by the Incredible Hulk in a metal vice.  My teeth ached, my jaw ached, and my ears itched as if they’d suffered through a fight with a field of poison ivy and come out the loser.  I was in the throes of The Cough Heard ‘Round The World.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat.  When my mom called me early on Saturday morning to see how I was doing, I started bawling on the phone and couldn’t even quit.  JUST PULL IT TOGETHER, GLADYS was something that I was incapable of.

Four minutes later, my mom was at my house to help out with Thing 2.  She did my laundry, she swept my floors, she bought us some groceries, and she made us a giant pot of the best homemade chicken noodle soup of ever.  She put me in bed with a humidifier and a bottle of cough syrup, and, later Saturday afternoon, when I decided that I was merely hanging on by a thread, she drove me to the walk-in clinic.  Half of the clothes I wore to the clinic had been on my body when I got dressed on Friday morning, and I didn’t even care.  I simply flapped my hand around my body for the universal sign language of THE WHOLE THING and informed the doctor, “I’m kind of a living wreck here.”  Eventually, that doctor pronounced me DOWN WITH A RAGING SINUS INFECTION (you think?) AND A BORDERLINE EAR INFECTION (whatever that means, but at least it gave me some explanation for all the itching in my ear canals).  I came home with a bottle of antibiotic pills that are almost too big for a horse to take, and began to wonder how badly I’d damage things if I straightened out a wire coat hanger and scratched my ear drums with it.

And here’s a solid word of truth:


Sometime this weekend, all the bacteria of the plague leaked into my left eye, which is why I now resemble a red-eyed zombie.  I have no white left in my eye; it’s all the red color of a raging forest fire.

In other words, SUPER MODEL MATERIAL TODAY.  I kind of look like someone who others would walk wide circles around, just to avoid on the sidewalk.

The boy’s chest cold stayed in his chest… and then he got better.  As his mama, I’m thrilled that he recovered quickly and didn’t have to endure the apocalyptic sinus infection like I have done, but I’m also a bit jealous that he’s NEW AND IMPROVED now.  Meanwhile, I took a shower today and was so physically exhausted, I might as well have just run back-to-back marathons.  The exertion of finally washing my hair made me cough like a nine-packs-a-day old woman.

And THAT, people, was our weekend.  Or at least it was MY weekend.  The boys baked cookies and went to the park with Mam.  Hubs did a little work at his office and then watched some hockey, which he chased with reality shows involving stagnant swamps and the people who live and fish there.  And then he took a nap.

Here’s hoping that the antibiotics kill every germ I’m harboring, and that they do it fairly quickly.

Y’all have a merry Monday.

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