We are currently in the throes of what is commonly referred to as a nuclear, no-brakes-on-the-rollercoaster, TAKE-US-TO-DEFCON-ONE toddler meltdown. I’ve currently diverted the crisis with an episode of Shaun the Sheep on You Tube and a stick of string cheese, but I don’t have long before the simmering volcano squirts out some more lava.
In other words, this is going to be short tonight. We have a three-year-old who desperately needs an earlier bedtime and his mama to rock him.
So… this is kind of what’s been happening at our house recently:
1. We met two other couples, who happen to be good friends of ours, at the high school football game on Friday night.
2. Hubs and the other guys focused on the plays being called and run, with occasional commentary on potential flags on plays.
3. I sat with my two darling friends and literally talked until I had spoken twenty-seven gatillion words.
4. After the game, we found the boy, who refuses to sit in the grownup section of the stands, and the cute neighbor boy, because neither one of them can drive legally yet, and they needed to get home. We added one more boy to the mix, discovered we didn’t have enough seatbelts, and announced that someone would have to squish his rump into Thing 2’s carseat.
5. Yes, that’s probably seventeen kinds of illegal, but I’m happy to say that we all arrived home safely, and all three boys boys slept at the neighbors’ house. I felt badly for my sweet neighbor lady, because I sent the boy to her STARVING. I can only imagine the condition he left her pantry in.
7. Thing 2 believes he’s plenty big enough to vacuum Goldfish crackers out of his carseat and flex his muscles afterward.
9. This picture will come back to haunt you at your high school graduation party.
11. It’s a redneck sport, in case you were wondering.
12. It involves buying giant blocks of ice from the gas station, plopping a towel onto them so that your bum retains a smidgen of heat, and then sliding downhill.
13. Thing 2 is now a professional Ice Blocker.
16. Approximately seventeen million people came.
17. The temperature was equivalent to the surface of the sun.
18. The air was so hot outside on Saturday, it scalded our lungs when we tried to breathe outdoors.
19. Somehow, I pushed through and worked a game booth for two-and-a-half hours, with the boy and his buddy, Eli, in tow. (Eli even stayed the night with us afterward. This meant that the boy was on a NO SLEEP bender after staying at the cute neighbor boy’s house the night before.)
20. The three of us could probably open our own carnival now, because the boy, Eli and I ROCKED our booth.
21. Our game came in second, as far as TICKETS COLLECTED HERE went.
22. Face painting was first.
23. No one can compete with a face dolled up to look like Spider-Man with some red paint.
24. After our replacement team showed up to take over for the second shift of the carnival, we were free to hang out.
25. I fed Thing 2 two cinnamon rolls for dinner.
26. DFS will probably knock on my door tomorrow for that one.
27. Thing 2 also wanted to push his buddy’s stroller around, with his buddy strapped in.
28. It sounded like a fantastic idea, until we realized that Thing 2 was going to push the stroller DOWNHILL at a DEAD SPRINT.
29. This meant that the parents had to sprint to catch the stroller.
30. Remember… it was 488 degrees outside.
31. The stroller stayed upright, because Thing 2 can Stroller Sprint like a pro.
32. Afterward, when his buddy’s family left, his little friend was hollering (HOLLERING!!) for his mother to push the stroller “FAST LIKE THING 2 DOES!” His stroller ride was better than any of the carnival games.
33. On Saturday night, our reward for enduring the biggest heat wave known to mankind was this:
35. Today, we went to church.
36. A professional photographer took the boys’ pictures afterward.
37. It was only 79 degrees today, because we had the Favor of the Lord.
38. Then we went to Walmart.
39. It was for THE. BIG. HAUL.
40. As in, we simply signed a month’s salary over to the discount shopping center in exchange for everything from a jug of Tide, to new toothbrushes for everyone, to green bell peppers and bananas. We were out of everything that a family can be out of.
41. The worst part about the big haul is that you have to lug all your stuff home afterwards.
42. And carry it all inside.
43. And put it all away in the pantry.
44. And then no one wants to cook dinner, so you just eat cheese and crackers and frozen pizza rolls.
45. So sue me.
46. And now, we’re going to bed.
47. Well, only ONE OF US is going to bed.
48. The animated sheep and the string cheese worked like a charm.
49. We haven’t had any tears since I sat down to type this post at the same speed Thing 2 can push a baby stroller.
50. I’d call that a weekend win.