The Day That Mama Didn’t Do What She Normally Does

I once saw a little cartoon illustration, where the dad comes home from work, clutching his briefcase, and the mom is sitting on the kitchen counter, surrounded by an insane mess in the house, a herd of fighting children and an exploded box of Cheerios.  Chaos reigned, as she stared at her husband and said, “Do you remember how you asked me yesterday what I do all day?  Well… today I didn’t do it.”

And that pretty much sums up my day today.

I couldn’t hold completely true to NOT DOING IT ALL today, because Thing 2 and I have become dedicated to getting our big Walmart haul done on Monday mornings, in an effort to avoid the super center on the weekends.  The beauty of this is that there are no shoppers at 8 AM on a Monday, because apparently the rest of Small Town has things to do all day that are EVIDENT.  My preschooler and I busted through all the aisles, grabbing everything from the ridiculously expensive Honeycrisp apples and boneless, skinless chicken breasts, to toothpaste and shampoo.

After we had stood in the checkout line for a longer stretch of time than it took us to actually gather a cartload of groceries, I was ready for a counseling session for my Post Traumatic Stress issues.  It’s the only way I can describe having a three-and-a-half-year old strapped into the cart with you, while you’re WAITING… WAITING… WAITING… for your turn at the conveyor belt and cash register.  Because do you know what Small Town’s Walmart does NOT have at 8 AM?

That would be an abundance of checkers.  Apparently the rule is, “Let’s build thirty checkout aisles and only open two of them on Monday mornings.”

Bless.

Thing 2 must’ve sensed an infringement on his space, because at one point he stood up in the baby seat of the cart and said to the gentleman behind us, “Move back!  It’s not your turn!  It’s OUR TURN!  Get your cart away from ours!”

Obviously, Hubs and I are winning at parenting, especially in the category of OUR CHILD ONLY SPEAKS WORDS OF KINDNESS AND THROWS THE LOVE AROUND LIKE ROSE PETALS AT ALL TIMES.  Please pray for us as the Spirit leads you.

We apologized to the gentleman for our unkind words, and then learned that he hadn’t heard a single word Thing 2 had actually said to him in the first place, so THAT was fun… explaining that we were saying SORRY for talking so naughty, when it was never understood that we had even been talking naughty in the first place, because HONEY, I’M GETTING A LITTLE HARD OF THE HEARING LATELY, AND HAVEN’T TAKEN THE HEARING AIDE PLUNGE YET.

So, you can only imagine that when I actually made it home and had unpacked everything…

… all I really wanted to do was to sit down with the new Nicholas Sparks book that I started reading over the weekend, while I plugged Thing 2 into an endless sea of cartoons on the satellite dish.

Don’t judge me.  It was just one of those days.

I may have gotten up occasionally to refill my coffee cup, but basically the pedometer on my phone just laid down and died, from lack of use today.

And then, suddenly, it was time to yank the TV away from Thing 2, whose eyes were kind of spinning in a kaleidoscope of VISUAL SENSORY OVERLOAD colors and head to our hair appointments.

It’s because, in the words of Dolly Parton, “There is no such thing as natural beauty.”  Burt Reynolds had to have her mustache waxed off today, and then there was this little matter of LET’S COLOR ALL THE HAIR, because what I’ve dealt with this week has included a flooded bathroom, a cow patty on my bathroom floor, a red Sharpie PERMANENT marker taken to the face, and the small fact that SOMEONE took my brand new box of fabric softener sheets for the dryer, opened them, and scattered them around the living room like snowflakes while I wasn’t looking, in addition to all the dinners I had to cook and that one load of laundry I washed, because Hubs and the boy both declared, “Is our nation suffering from a clean jeans shortage?”

Yes.  It’s a crisis that CNN is currently covering; I’m so sorry that it’s happening right here at our house, too.  That’s just entirely too close for comfort.

So yes!  Let’s color all the hair, and let’s cut Thing 2’s curly mop down to something that doesn’t harbor dried leaves from outside like fugitives.

Anyway.

I’m fairly certain that I have to be a productive member of society tomorrow, so I’ve made my peace with the fact that days like today can’t happen all the time.

Mainly, because we are also out of clean coffee mugs, and clean coffee mugs are a LIFE NECESSITY, because they hold all the coffee that some folks need to get through the days.

And also because if the judges for the Mother of the Year Award learn that I exposed my preschooler to more TV today than he usually watches in two weeks, I’ll lose my crown.

And really… wearing that crown has always drawn the eye of the commoner away from the mustache creeping across my lip, so I can’t give it up.

And one more thing…

Today is National Adoption Day, so I just have to say OH, MY WORD!  Adoption is a pretty fantastic little way to do things, because it can take a family of three and turn them into a family of four.

This was the first snapshot ever taken of us AS a family of four.

I was crying.

And I’d just been through labor and delivery, so please excuse the fact that I’m wearing a ratty old T-shirt and my hair is a bit of a mess.  Of course, I wasn’t the one laboring and delivering, because our adorable little birth mom did that for us, but still.  I bawled right along with her, and I can’t even put into words the emotions that smacked me that day when she put that child into our arms forever.

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So yes.  Happy National Adoption Day.

Y’all have a blessed Monday evening.  And I hope that your kitchens are cleaner than mine is.

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