I am not a fan of all the cooking.
It’s because I can always find SOMETHING that I enjoy far more than I enjoy standing at the kitchen counter, dicing, slicing, sauteing, filleting, shucking, caramelizing, browning, whisking, julienneing, and garnishing.
I’ve never julienned in my life, and my idea of garnishing is adding a Bounty paper towel as a napkin beside the plate.
The problem with my dislike of cooking is that my boys love eating. And they come home at the end of the day ravenous, like they’ve been on a pilgrimage, walking through the hot desert for forty years and fasting for the entire time. When we pick the boy up from golf practice each evening at 6:00, he begs us to “just whip through a fast food drive-thru for a little pre-supper snack.” He always insists that he won’t eat much, so that he doesn’t ruin his appetite for dinner… all he’ll take is everything on the left-hand side of the drive-up menu.
And Thing 2? He may be short and four, but he needs 249,000 calories a day to keep from LOSING WEIGHT, what with his high activity level. By noon, our preschooler has already eaten four different breakfasts and two high-protein snacks. It goes without saying that he’s starving at 6 PM, too.
So, I am constantly opening up Pinterest on my computer and typing in the phrase, “DINNER RECIPES THAT REQUIRE ZERO COOKING AND ZERO PREP TIME AND ZERO DIRTY DISHES TO CLEAN UP.”
Every single time, I get the recipe for ice cubes.
Sadly, my menfolk think ice cubes should only be a side dish to a grilled steak and baked potato, and served in a large cup, filled with Dr. Pepper.
I’m always looking for an easy dinner recipe, that can fill a bottomless pit, times three, and which packs a few essentials, like protein, iron, antioxidants and flavor. If the recipe also requires very few pots and pans and spatulas to clean up afterward, then I’m golden and feel as though I’ve received the favor of the Lord. A delicious dinner with an easy cleanup keeps me from captaining the Hot Mess Express.
Tonight was not that dinner.
I made Green Chile Potato Soup. When a friend texted me this afternoon and asked what was for dinner at OUR house, because she was looking for dinner ideas for HER house, I typed the recipe’s name on my iPhone.
Siri and her sidekick, Auto Correct, who both hate me, changed my return text to “Green CHILDREN Potato Soup.”
We both used this emoji liberally in our followup text messages:
I did all of the initial work this morning, and then my crockpot finished the easy part throughout the day. Honestly, Siri treats me with continual disrespect, but my crockpot shows me the dignity and reverence that I deserve. She’s constantly stepping up and saying, “Listen. You get me loaded. I’ll take over, and I promise… Dinner will be ready by 5:30 this evening.”
The sad part is that… even with the beloved crockpot slaving away on her shift… I usually end up facing a kitchen that looks like a fraternity of drunken chimpanzees on cold medication attempted to make a Beef Wellington.
But, after the Green CHILDREN Potato Soup started to simmer, I rolled up my sleeves, handed Thing 2 a tub of Legos, and went to work on resurrecting my kitchen.
It’s because when said maid finished shining up the kitchen… her home office was covered in Lego bricks.
May your kitchens be clean. May your home offices be clean. May your ENTIRE HOUSES be clean. And may you still have the energy to sip an end-of-the-day Lime-A-Rita, while you watch one episode of Fixer Upper (out of the three hundred that you have hoarded on your DVR, because how many mothers of preschoolers have time for TV???) before you fall asleep.