The New Purchase

Well, it has finally happened.

One day you’re all hip and cool and trendy, sitting cross-legged on your bedroom floor, with an outstanding side ponytail, pushing RECORD on your stereo while the radio is playing, so you can finally get that new Van Halen song onto a cassette.

(The youth of today have no idea how hard we labored to “download” music in the ’80s.)

And then… the next day… you’re all super excited about your brand new washer and dryer, and you dance around the house, declaring that LAUNDRY IS FINALLY FUN!  Because I HAVE A NEW WASHER AND DRYER!!  And you realize that it’s not quite the same as being excited over a new iPhone, but you don’t care, because you can now choose to wash your clothes in settings labeled BEDDING, DELICATES, WATERPROOF GEAR, TOWELS, JEANS, ACTIVE WEAR, and the boring NORMAL WASH LOAD.  You can’t believe that there are so many settings!  LOOK AT ALL THESE SETTINGS!


… the day after that…

… you accidentally venture into the local grocery store on a Thursday, which just happens to be SENIOR DISCOUNT DAY, and realize that every single ninety-year-old person in a two hundred mile radius is in there shopping.  And one of them tells you in the checkout line that raisins (RAISINS, PEOPLE!!) are on a super sale, and you actually feel guilty about not buying any.

Even though you don’t like raisins one bit.

And then…

… later that very same Thursday…

… you bring home your very first pair of prescription bifocal glasses.

To heck with the bowel-regulating raisins, for DIRT CHEAP DOLLARS, and the fact that your eye doctor mentioned during your appointment that he’s young enough that he doesn’t actually need them yet.  (The glasses; not the raisins.  But come to think of it, that young eye doctor probably doesn’t need the raisins, either.)  You now own prescription BIFOCALS, and you’re sort of excited about that, because  YOU.  CAN.  SEE.  The trees are not just trunks with blobs of green, because THERE ARE INDIVIDUAL LEAVES ON THOSE TREES!  And you can see those leaves from across the yard.

And also?

You can see UP CLOSE!!

But then you realize that the bifocals are going to take some getting used to.

And by getting used to, I mean that you realize that after wearing them for thirty minutes around the house, you might actually need to digest a Dramamine and throw yourself onto the sofa with a cool compress to your head, in a way that would have made Scarlet O’Hara stand up and slow clap for you.

I’d write more tonight, but this computer screen isn’t fully in focus.  I can see the line I’m typing, and the rest of it looks like it’s in the Matrix.  Everything is swimming on the sides, and I keep lifting my legs REALLY HIGH when I walk, because I feel like the floor is much closer than it really is.

And honestly?

I’m ready for bed, y’all.

I’ll just go take my Centrum Silver, crank the thermostat up to 89, wrap my legs in an afghan, and hope that I can find an episode of Murder, She Wrote… or even Magnum, PI…  on rerun.

And regret that I didn’t buy cheap raisins today.  They would’ve been nice in a lime Jell-O mold salad.

Y’all have a good weekend.

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