I didn’t mean to take a vacation from the blog, but our summer vacation has gotten away from me.
And by gotten away from me, I mean that all I’ve really been doing is drinking a lot of coffee, while I pretend that I know what I’m doing at parenting. As in, I have two words for you: STRONG and WILLED. Pretty much, I walk around our house saying things like, “I used to be in charge around here,” and “He’s wearing his Spider-Man costume for the seventeenth day in a row, because it’s what he WANTS to wear.”
Also, every single toy truck, tractor, trailer and train that we own is currently spread across our backyard like a tornado struck the vehicle section of a Toys R Us store. Every neighborhood has that one family, and every day I’m pretty sure that all fingers point smack at us as being THAT family.
But the good news is that the housekeeper I cannot afford is keeping me sane. This week, I looked at her as she walked in our house and said, “If we were planning on having a third child, I would name her after you. But then, the reason you’re here, scouring for us, is because I have maxed out at two children.”
This precious girl cleaned for us on Tuesday. I wanted to make reservations at a motel for our family that evening, so that no one would drop crumbs in the living room or walk across our pristine hardwood floors. I just wanted to try out an immaculately clean house for longer than seventeen minutes.
It wasn’t an hour later, before I snapped THIS photo and did my best to laugh at it.
Oh, I kid, people! The Whole30 doesn’t allow wine.
I had to drink fermented kombucha, muscling my way through the lovely vinegar bouquet, and pretend I was laughing. And then I mopped up the bathroom floor, which is just par for the course at our house.
The rest of our past week has been dedicated to laundry and grocery fetching and cooking.
I said the word COOKING.
Basically, this Whole30 has turned me into the best 1883 version of myself. I simply look in the root cellar and announce, “Well. I have a turnip and six carrots, along with a trout from the creek. That should taste like cardboard and grief. I think it’s what we’ll have for dinner.”
Hubs has been in charge of boiling eggs for our breakfasts on a regular basis this past month. Apparently, cussing over egg-peeling first thing is not how he enjoys starting his day, so he’s been watching You Tube videos on HOW TO BOIL THE PERFECT EGG. That’s something our 1883-selves wouldn’t have been able to do. I’m thankful that we can just turn straight to our iPhones in times of need, instead of having to hitch the swaybacked horse to the wagon, steer it toward town, and ask an elderly matron at the mercantile how SHE cooks HER eggs successfully. Hubs has the egg-boiling down to a fine art now, which involves ALL THE PANS IN MY KITCHEN. He boils eggs with a timer, and then submerges them into another pan for their ice bath. It involves real ice cubes and cold water. The duration of this is also timed, and then boom!
We have enough dirty pans to pack the dishwasher to maximum capacity, along with perfect, hard-boiled eggs with ghee and salt and pepper. We can almost pretend that we’re normal human beings having breakfast again, if it weren’t for the fact that we are sipping black, bitter coffee full of pretend creamer, which is called REAL CREAM FROM COCONUT MILK.
Whatever the health nuts want to tell you, coconut cream is a sorry substitution for sugar and half-and-half.
This morning, Hubs had a granola bar for breakfast. I should actually be more specific here. This morning, Hubs had a bar that was disguised as a granola bar, which was actually made from dates and cashews and figs and the tears of brokenhearted fairies. I was on my own for boiling eggs, which… really? I have done PLENTY OF THE TIMES in my years.
I even have the recipe memorized. Regardless of what anyone tells you, I can boil an egg!
I’m pretty sure I nailed it this morning:
I texted the picture to Hubs, who said, “You didn’t use an ice bath, did you?”
So I’d say that the Whole30 is going pretty good so far.
Y’all keep carrying on and have a lovely weekend.