How To Spend Your Weekend

1. Get up early on Saturday morning (pre-8:00), for the second week in a row. Make sure that the boy is showered, spit-shined, and wearing a relatively clean T-shirt. Send him off with his Mam and Pa for breakfast out at a restaurant.

2. Listen to Hubs whine about nobody inviting HIM to breakfast. Refrain from making comments about the simple fact that Hubs never eats breakfast, unless it comes in an insulated paper coffee cup.

3. Invite Hubs to “breakfast” at Starbucks. All Hubs wanted was a venti mocha.

4. Realize that everyone else in Small Town, USA is apparently awake bright and early on a Saturday morning, too, and that they have plopped themselves down on all available seating at Starbucks. Grumble about the fact that you spend plenty of money in the fine establishment, and management didn’t reserve you a seat.

5. Get your caffeinated beverages to go.

6. Run some errands, boy-free. Well, SMALL boy-free. You’ve still got the big boy with you. Smile as you realize what kind of errands Hubs has in mind. He wants a cast iron grill and griddle combo, which exists in his mind, but apparently not in real life, which means that you will be running into a lot of stores. Run into every store in Small Town, USA which might possibly sell cast iron products.

7. Realize that your grande cup of caffeine will not last as long as it takes to check out all the shops. Whine for Hubs to buy you a second “breakfast.”

8. Pout when Hubs cuts you off and says, “No.”

9. Continue looking for cast iron grill and griddle combination. Lands’ sakes! Find one, and then have Hubs point out every reason why this is NOT the one for him. It doesn’t match up with the grill and griddle combo that he has invented in his head.

10. Talk to Nina on your cell phone, since she called in the middle of the search for non-existent cast iron products. Say yes when Nina invites your family to go ice skating later that day.

11. Finally! Locate the exact replica of what Hubs wants. Shell out $58 for it. Tell Hubs that he’d better cook some powerfully delicious steaks on that thing.

12. Indulge Hubs as he drives by a car dealership and sees his dream car in the window. A Camaro SS. Go with him after he parks and walks into the dealership. Let Hubs sit in the car like a four-year-old and turn the steering wheel back and forth. Assure him that, no, he doesn’t look too old for the car, and that yes, he does indeed look like an off-duty Navy SEAL in the car, and that yes, he looks super tough in the car.

13. Shoot Hubs down when he begins talking about how he could probably finance the car, by moving money from one account to another and talking the boy into becoming a rock star for a career, so that he won’t need a college education. Wave to the car salesman and herd Hubs out the door, purchase-free. Remind Hubs that he wouldn’t let YOU have a second cup of caffeine from Starbucks, so why should he get a Camaro SS?

14. Stop at the local butcher and buy steaks. Make sure they’re the expensive steaks, which will initiate Hubs’ cast iron grill and griddle combo into the family. Make enormous plans for one delicious dinner.

15. Collect the boy (the small one) from his grandparents, and make sure he has socks that will be exactly right for ice skating. Humor the boy, as he has definite sock issues.

16. Go skating with Nina and Jeremy and their kiddos, and Cody and her small girl. Let the big boys skate with the kids, while the girls hold Nina’s baby and chat on the sidelines of the ice rink and take 40 bajillion pictures (which is a lot).

17. Wrap skating up when one small boy (not yours) is complaining about sore feet, while another small boy (definitely yours) is griping that his back hurts.

18. Begin waving good-bye to everyone.

19. Realize at this exact moment, after the skates have been taken off and everyone is wearing sneakers again that you! had! no! memory! card! in! your! camera! Realize that all 40 bajillion pictures were just “pretend” pictures, which you will never, ever see. Ever. Never. At all.

20. Be bummed, because you’re pretty sure you had popped off some terrific shots.

21. Listen to the small boy gripe and complain about how he’s starving, and how he didn’t eat any lunch, and how his grandparents (bless their hearts) fed him breakfast, but not lunch. Assure him that his breakfast was big enough at the restaurant to insure that he didn’t actually need lunch.

22. Give in to the whining (because sometimes, as a parent, giving in is just easier), and meet Cody and her little girl, G, at the local fast food establishment. Insist that this is an early afternoon snack, because…hello! Expensive steaks for dinner.

23. Remind Hubs, as he orders, about the whole concept of a snack. Realize that Hubs’ idea of a snack is not the same as yours.

24. Head home after snacking on greasy fast food items off the dollar menu.

25. Realize that you’re a bit chilled, so fill your enormously deep tub with water and bubbles. Hit the button for the jets. Increase the amount of bubbles in your bath by twenty-fold.

26. Soak. For a long time. While reading a good book. Because Hubs is watching some show on TV and because the boy went to play at the cute neighbor boy’s house. (And type in sentence fragments. If you want to. Because you can.)

27. Get out of the tub at 5:30, since it’s time to begin making dinner.

28. Listen to Hubs whine that he’s too full for dinner, because his snack was too big. Listen to Hubs whine that he doesn’t want to grill the expensive steaks, because he doesn’t want to waste a non-appetite on them.

29. Eat cold cereal for dinner, while the cast iron grill and griddle combo begins collecting dust.

30. Watch “All About Steve” on DVD with Hubs, after putting the boy to bed. Laugh. Really hard.

31. Go to bed yourself.

32. Wake up and head to church.

33. Hear a powerfully good sermon out of the book of Habakkuk. Realize that it has given you a great lot to think about.

34. Send the boy with Cody and G, because G has asked him over to play her Wii.

35. Come home and do a quick power clean on the house.

36. Play four games of Scrabble on the computer. Be a bit irritated, when you can’t beat your high score.

37. Drag out the steaks. The expensive ones. The expensive ones that you were going to have for dinner the night before, but didn’t, because Hubs’ snack was actually a full-on meal in itself. Have your parents and friends, John and Peggy, over for dinner.

38. Steam the broccoli a bit too long. Realize that soggy broccoli doesn’t matter, because John brought WINE!!

39. Have a great dinner. Laugh a lot. Wave good-bye to everyone.

40. Stuff the small boy into bed with a kiss and hug. Think to yourself, “Hey, I’m going to bed early, too.”

41. But then remember that you have to write something on your blog, because you’re trying to stay dedicated to it. Realize that staying dedicated to a blog is sometimes a bummer, especially when you were kind of looking forward to the joy of going to bed at 8:15. Realize that you have nothing to write about. Fill a list of 41 things up anyway, regardless of the fact that you really had absolutely nothing to say!

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