Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, and Bill Gates can all stand down. Their fifteen minutes of fame are over, and we have a brand new innovator in the house.
Yesterday, Hubs looked at me and announced, “I have a brilliant idea for an invention! The idea came to me while I was in the shower shampooing my hair!”
I didn’t say anything, because sometimes it’s best to just let a man of such greatness ramble.
I was also very busy brushing my teeth, and didn’t want to chance talking and slopping red Close-Up down the front of my shirt.
And then Hubs asked, “You know how watering the Christmas tree absolutely sucks?”
(Usually we don’t use such harsh terminology here at Jedi Mama, Inc., but crawling beneath the Christmas tree every single day during the holiday season to dump a pitcher of water into the tree stand, which you will inevitably end up pouring onto the floor anyway, which will require you to go in search of a beach towel to mop things up with, is a job that nobody wants. It’s the reason that we usually PLUM QUIT watering the Christmas tree and simply lay hands on it, to pray that we can make it through December 25th without the thing being ignited by the strands of colored Christmas lights which are usually plugged in just as safely as Clark Griswold would have done it.)
(So yes. Sometimes ugly words are necessary to describe ugly jobs.)
(Just ask the guy who has to clean the porta-potties that are picked up after the carnival leaves town in July.)
Hubs told me, “I’m going to make a contraption which will revolutionize watering the Christmas tree this year! I need a funnel, some hose, some hose clamps, and some Velcro. And don’t tell anyone what I’m doing, because this is INGENIOUS, honey, and I don’t want anyone stealing my idea until I’ve got my patent in place.”
And that is how we found ourselves in Home Depot on Saturday afternoon.
I also told the elderly gentleman who was looking at Velcro strips right beside us in the aisle, “My husband needs Velcro to make a device which will revolutionize watering our Christmas tree. He’s going to be a great inventor. You’ll probably be able to buy this product on a late-night infomercial next year.”
Hubs shot me the stink eye for this, and the elderly gentleman said that he couldn’t stay up late enough to actually watch infomercials, and that no one had made anything worth watching on TV since Gunsmoke went off the air, because no one could live up to Marshall Dillon.
Hubs came home and heated the rubber hose up over my stovetop, until it was pliable and could be easily bent into place. I have no idea HOW boys always know to use fire and levers to improve their chores; fire and levers are the last tools I would ever dream of using. Then Hubs attached the hose to the funnel. And he put some hose clamps somewhere. I didn’t get to see WHERE the hose clamps went, because, just like Coca Cola and Bush’s Baked Beans, sometimes HOW TO MAKE STUFF must be kept a secret from the general public, and Hubs wasn’t taking any chances, especially after I’d spilled the beans (not the Bush’s kind) to the gentleman at Home Depot. He’d give me the BASICS of his invention, but not the specifics.
This is what we currently have hanging out of our Christmas tree this year:
I had to think about it for a moment, but then it hit me. C.T. stands for Christmas Tree. And Irrigator simply means that it’s the thing that’ll be doing all the watering.
That little gem is four feet up on the tree, on the backside. The clear hose runs down to the tree stand. And when it comes time to water the beast (which is really more of a Christmas BUSH than a Christmas TREE this year, because it is a whole lot WIDER than it is TALL), you simply pour a pitcher of water into the yellow funnel, while you’re standing up.
STANDING UP, people!
And you don’t have to crawl beneath the tree, where you’re in danger of taking a needle to the eye and being blinded for life.
And you don’t end up pouring water on the floor when you can’t manipulate the pitcher around the giant box of wrapped Legos.
Not that there are any wrapped Legos under our tree.
At least not at this moment.
And also? People FIGHT over whose turn it is to actually water the tree this year. I imagine that sucker will still be a lush, green Christmas BUSH in June.
But probably not.
Because if you know me AT ALL, you know good and well that I strip the house of ALL Christmas decor on December 26th. My Type A, nervous-tic personality can’t stand the pine needles on the floor any longer.
And listen, people. For just three easy payments of $19.95, which will be billed to your credit card, you, too, can own a C.T. Irrigator and lessen the stress involved with losing an eye to a sharp pine needle while you scramble beneath the tree with a pitcher of water.
If you act now, we’ll even throw in a free Christmas ornament.
But don’t delay. Supplies are limited. And the operators are waiting at the phones.
Happy Sunday night, y’all.