I am actually writing this post IN THE MORNING HOURS of today. Which is Wednesday. And I will use the little timer feature on my blog to have it automatically post later tonight, which is when I usually flop down in front of the computer and try to come up with something to write that won’t bore y’all straight to tears and the refrigerator.
Because Eating In Boredom (otherwise known as EIB) is not a healthy habit, and I have to remind myself that every time I’m bored cleaning the bathrooms around the Jedi Manor, I do not want to give into the EIB. Because then I’ll be on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate and the big bag of pretzel M&Ms, and then the bathrooms will still look like semi trucks stop here on a regular basis to use the facilities.
But I have to write this post NOW — in the morning — because I have to go teach PE today and listen to The Judge inform me that I have just plum nothing to fill up my Victoria’s Secret bra with. Revenge is always so, so sweet, though, because I just filled out report cards for all of my gym classes about an hour ago.
And I may have cackled a bit while I had The Judge’s report card in front of me.
And I may have scribbled all over it, as I wrote the word FLUNKFLUNKFLUNKFLUNK eighteen times.
But tonight, when all the running in the gym and rocking small, injured children on the sidelines is done, I am sending the boy to youth group at the church, and then I am going into Wal-Mart for The Big Haul And Then Some.
I think it’s time, seeing as how the boy took two slices of dried-out white bread smeared with butter for his lunch today, and a small handful of broken, bottom-of-the-bag pretzel pieces for his lunch. Seeing as how the alternative was a hot lunch featuring BBQ chicken and pineapple chunks and sweet potatoes, he thinks he’s still getting the better end of the deal, because the last time our boy ate BBQ sauce and pineapple was NEVER. He has it in his head that those two food groups will surely cause him death quicker than any poison from the Wicked Wizard of the West, and he won’t willingly eat them at all.
So a bread-with-butter sandwich and broken pretzels it was.
I always try to push off The Big Haul And Then Some to a time when I don’t have the boy actually WITH ME, because then it turns into The Big Haul And Then Some And Everything The Boy Managed To Get Into Our Cart Because He Exhausted Me With All The Asking For Things And I’m Not Even Sure Any Longer What He Threw Into Our Grocery-Fetching Buggy, But I Think My Vision Is Starting To Blur And I Am Craving Wine.
I look at other mamas in Wal-Mart, who have three or four wee ones crawling all over the cart, and I honestly don’t know how they do it, because I have ONE CHILD who follows me throughout the story, and this is how our conversations go:
“You JUST BOUGHT broccoli! Last time, Mom! You bought broccoli LAST TIME! Don’t buy it again!”
“Are we going to be in here for a long time?”
“Why can’t we have Pop Tarts? No, I WILL NOT eat the entire box in one weekend. I promise, Mom. This time, I really DO promise!”
“Well, I HATE brussels sprouts!! Why do you insist on poisoning me? Don’t you love me, Mom? Don’t you want to keep me, Mom? Because I’ll probably gag and die if you make me eat those things.”
“Are we done shopping yet?”
“Can’t we just look at the Legos for thirty seconds? Just thirty seconds, Mom? That’s all. I just need to check a price on a specific set.”
“I have no idea if I have shampoo in my shower or not. I don’t really use it all that often, so I haven’t checked.”
“How much longer is it going to take to finish our shopping?”
“I don’t want the Cheerios! I want THIS BOX of cereal! It’s more colorful. I don’t even know what Red Dye #5 is, but if it’s in THIS BOX, then it must taste delicious!”
“I AM NOT picking out a box of cereal based on a stupid toy inside! Look! Oh! So this box HAS a toy, but I swear I don’t want it!”
“I’m not going to eat THAT when you cook it!”
“And I’m not going to even be home when you cook THAT! Mam will feed me dinner at her house that night!”
“Are we done yet?”
“Grammy let’s me eat Ramen Noodles whenever I want! Why can’t we get a case of them? Look! They’re cheap, Mom! I have this much money at home in my wallet; I’ll pay you back, if you just buy all these packages of Ramen now!”
“I wish Dad was here. DAD lets me buy Twinkies! Dad really loves me! I don’t think you made a wise move, Mom, by not bringing Dad with us, because he KNOWS you won’t buy any Twinkies unless he’s here. And Dad LIKES Twinkies, Mom. HE LIKES THEM!”
“You haven’t let me buy ice cream for TWO YEARS, Mom! Two entire years! That is not fair, because other kids in my class ALWAYS have ice cream at home!”
“How much longer will we be in here?”
“My legs are aching from walking around this store so long.”
“DID YOU JUST PUT MUSHROOMS IN THE CART????!!!!”
And so I’m sure you can see why it is ever-so-very-much-LESS painful for me to shop for The Big Haul And Then Some without my darling boy tagging alongside the cart.
Happy Wednesday night, y’all.