On Monday, I taught Thing 2 to vacuum. And I didn’t so much as TEACH HIM, as I said, “Here. Vacuum.” Thing 2 took the vacuum cleaner and pushed it with a vengeance, and suddenly I knew how I was going to keep on top of all the housework that’s forever needing done around here.
And then I realized that my maid kept taking breaks. Specifically, he kept taking DANCE BREAKS, because we had our Housecleaning Music cranked to levels that would make your grandmother cringe with irritation, and Thing 2 could not resist busting a move. Never mind that I pay a lot of money to have that housecleaner on retainer!
And then that toddler showed off his brand new move, by sliding across our hardwood floors, in a way that was relatively reminiscent of Tom Cruise in his sunglasses and undies, except our toddler is a lot more well-behaved than Mr. Cruise, so he wore his windpants and his Denver Bronco T-shirt. I kept wondering HOW I was going to get the vacuuming done, when my hired help kept setting it down to dance a little, and then LOOK AT ME, QUITTING ALL THE HOUSEWORK, TOO, SO THAT I COULD CAPTURE IT ALL ON VIDEO!
(PS. I almost said “capture it all on video tape,” because clearly I still live in the days when a video camera weighed forty-six pounds and had to be stabilized on a shoulder, while a lightbulb that was exactly as bright as the sun shown in your face. Because? Seriously? Video TAPE? What is this? 1987?)
(I may have aged myself a little bit there.)
Anyway, Thing 2’s new move involves him running, running and running, and then KABOOM! He drops to his knees, and he slides like he’s hopped up on testosterone and adventure and good, aged string cheese.
Eventually, we switched from “Eye of the Tiger,” and moved on to “Mony Mony,” and that’s when Thing 2 said, “Hey! I have an ENTIRE DANCE to this song that I’m fully capable of demonstrating.”
(Except that he calls “Mony Mony” by the name “Nemo Nemo.” I know. I don’t understand it, either, but if Thing 2 shouts out, “He wants NEMO NEMO,” you’d better dial up Billy Idol on the iPod.)
Suddenly, taking a break from work to dance, became BREAK DANCING, because… BEHOLD!!
And yes. That’s our giant basket of freshly-washed-but-nobody-has-folded-it-yet laundry sitting on our dining room table, along with the bulk-sized package of toilet paper, because Hubs’ motto for grocery shopping is, “Buy the size the Duggars would use, or don’t buy it at all.” Clearly, we are slobs, because LET’S GET THE TOILET PAPER PUT AWAY IN THE CLOSET BEFORE COMPANY STOPS BY, SHALL WE?
And another yes. Thing 2 DOES INDEED smack his head against a chair, but he’s tougher than John Wayne AND the Hulk, so it doesn’t even slow him down. He’s fine.
My wish for y’all tonight is that you could all have maids who enrich your lives this much.