That Time When The First Three Hours At The Laundromat Were Just The Warmup Hours

“Mama, can you just tell the people… what is it that you enjoy doing, right after you’ve just spent three entire hours at the laundromat?”

(*Mama steps up to the microphone, straightens her shirt a little bit, and notices that there’s a nice ketchup stain, dead-front-center, which should photograph well for television.*)


(*Mama stammers a bit, trying to collect her thoughts, because she’s not completely accustomed to speaking into giant microphones in front of cameras, with flashes popping in her face.  She blinks a couple of times and picks up where she left off.*)  “Well… I find that… after spending three entire hours in the laundromat…  you know… packing clothes into washing machines, and then finding out that the load with all of your towels in it has been put into a machine that won’t take the quarters, so you just wasted THAT cup of Tide, and then you have to move all those towels to a different machine, but they’re all covered in blue, liquid Tide goop now, but NO PROBLEM, BECAUSE YOU ARE SOMETHING OF A SUPERHERO… and then after washing five loads of laundry, drying five loads of laundry and folding five loads of laundry, all while wrangling your preschooler, who keeps slamming the little wheeled laundry cart into the bench and earning you the stink eye from the laundromat attendant… Well… I find that I like to come home, open the tailgate of my Suburban, and… you know… JUST DUMP EVERYTHING OUT.  I like to air the clothes a bit… give my laundry that “I hung it outside on the line all day” smell, even though it just spent 77 minutes flopping around in an over-heated laundromat dryer.  If I can bull’s-eye the giant, winter-dead weed that was lying in the driveway, so that some of the dried, crispy weed-bits actually STICK to the clothes, then that’s even better.  And, if I can double-bull’s-eye the smear of turkey poop left behind when the birds did their daily migration across our property, then WINNER, WINNER, TURKEY BURGER DINNER.  Clearly, I’m a gold medalist in the Clean Laundry Dump.  I challenge anyone to park in such a manner that when they open their tailgate for the Clean Laundry Dump, they nail it like I did.”

(*BOOM!  Mama does a mic drop, and exits the stage, while flashes pop like it’s the Super Bowl Halftime Show.*)


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